Trying to do better than the day before

Music is definitely a driving force. Everyone definitely needs to find something like it. It's a good, simple life I live. Wake up, play music and watch TV until the show that night. I just wish that more people could respect me for what I do, instead of seeing it as me "doing the easy road".

Most people think it was easy to get where I am, but it was a long hard road. I spend hours writing, months a year studying. It is just a different kind of job, and no one respects it.That's the thing, the only thing I'm looking forward to is perfecting myself and not caring about my ex. I guess it branches out to getting more into parkour, getting stronger, becoming independent, no more anxiety, getting shit faced with a good friend from highschool days and maybe one day finding someone I could love, like, care about. As of late I just  can't put effort into other people, whenever I think about doing anything intimate it makes me feel sick to my stomach, I guess I just need to get better. Like I think being intimate with someone else would help my butt sadness in regards to my ex, but I think I'd vomit on the girl.

Yeah... I remember for the longest time, the idea of being with someone else made me feel physically sick. I promise it does get easier though, but I'm not going to lie, it almost killed me. But after 5 months I think I'm almost ready to move on. I mean that would mean being with a girl, which is a laugh in itself considering that I'd be the only consenting party, but whatever. It can get better with time. Being outgoing, for some people, is all about the first step. That may not be applicable to me, but usually the thought of something is a lot more daunting than the actual activity itself. Then again, sometimes it isn't.
 
Uncomfortable truth:

1. Realize most people only use friends until their career and marital relationship are in place. they then ditch their old friends and make friends with other married people.
2. Women in their 20's only have so long before their market value plummets, so most just go for what they can. I'd suggest setting up a bunch of rules of behavior that you will and will not accept from a female. If you're attractive, you will need to set this up or you'll end up settling for less than 1st place.

I think about how disappointing it is that I don't have time to work on any of my personal projects anymore. Fucking work. I think that would be awesome to have that sort of passion for something. Some drive and desire to get good at something. Another language, reading, art, music. Fuck I wish I was interesting.

When you wake up, the start of your day, what do you think about?
What are you looking forward to? What keeps you going?

Why didn't you fight for me?

Why do women actually want you to compete for them? Why do they make it a competition between guys? And why the fuck would I "fight" for someone I didn't even know wanted me? Because you're a strong, independent woman who don't need no man fighting your battles for you? I thought she didn't even like me that way because she gave me almost no signs that she did.

I don't get this shit.

What if nothing makes you happy?

How the fuck do I get it back together?

I lack any kind of motivation and willpower. Even though I have a short-time goal it is rendered impossible by my current situation and it pushes me further down. I feel like life is just a step away but I don't have what it takes to make that single step. Alright, I'm going to quit with this and go do something enjoyable instead.

A person can only beat their face off a wall for so long. Have fun being the same as you've always been.

Sometimes enlightenment is just realizing the simplicity of things that we tend to ignore and over-complicate in our daily thinking... I think I answered my own question. Get a good nights sleep, and then do a zero-bullshit evaluation of my life. As soon as I find out what genuinely makes me happy, I think my purpose won't be far behind.

Short Note by the end of Ramadan

I constantly feel like there are bugs crawling all over me and stuff is touching me and there's a loud ringing once in a while. I've asked some people and they said it could be schizophrenia but I don't think that I could have schizophrenia. A little restless, keeping busy however I can. Current distraction: trying to learn stuff about Money Market but no idea where to start. I miss my girlfriend, SPI very much. I'm disappointed at my life, my writing skills and basically the way the world works and what it makes people think and do.

I'm upset at the way my mother has been treating me. She knows she is neglecting me because we've talked about SPI a few times, but it never changes and I get nothing. I hate bringing it up to my mother because I've done it already several times, but the next time I do I'll probably end what I have. I won't do that until I'm ready to let my love out of my life. It breaks my heart to think SPI probably won't be in my life anymore. At least I am ready to make that decision if the time comes.

I also hate my family and blame them for my social backwardness for raising me in a way that made sexual encounters a massive taboo without marriage. I live in a small place, and people in my family are stuck up ignorant rich pieces of shit so I don't have much chance.

I want to have my own business but im not even motivated to start. Not only that, i feel like i hit my creative peak at 16, and it has been down hill since then. Too tired to do anything, too bored to sleep. but how can you be too bored to sleep? I find myself sleeping a lot when Im bored.

2013 Is About Trying To Figure Out Some Things.

May as well get it out of my chest since I never come here after the beginning of the year. And to introduce myself again: I am a well educated mid 20s clean cut guy who has never been in any kind of trouble prior to this. I am supposed to be writing a research letter for Fixed Income Obligations but I spent my Saturday night playing PS3 Naruto Generation's survival mode. I just cant stop procrastinating. :) My suggestion to myself: "Why not commit a month of my time to learn something new each week. Like spend my free time learning or doing something for a week. Eventually, I will find something I really enjoy. Then I can go from there." Hmph, I should actually try this..

Bundaran Hotel Indonesia, the iconic center of Jakarta is covered by mud colored flood.

Realized I've been boxed in from all the raining last week so I did a very depressing night of long warm shower, doing all the gay moisturising things even to my face, not a bad way to go to bed. The past week Jakarta suffered from a heavy raining, definitely one of the devastating flood inundate this city.

Today, on Sunday, I am rewatching Rurouni Kenshin (Samurai X) anime after seen the Movie Live-action last Wednesday night though unfinished and finally realized I don't have a lot of friends. I am discontent with that. Got to figure out why I holding back to make new friends in my new office, Bank Mutiara on Treasury Div. I must be doing something wrong but I just don't know what. Maybe I should share this insecurity with somebody that actually know me.

While also trying to figure out how to get over my infatuation with my current girl-friend, SPI, who I cannot exactly cut out of my life. I am really into her and she is sort of into me. But right now I technically haven't got a secure job and couldn't really afford to do anything for her, also she is attending graduate school on weekends and ignoring me most days. She never said that we had each other and I can't tell if she was very happy. I know this sounds like that retarded ass Disney movie, the one with dogs. She's not a bad person, and I really want to like her, because I was excited that we are in relationship again. Besides, she's pretty cute for her age and that makes her attractive. But it's actually a pain because I don't know if I can deal with her personality which sometimes comes out as shallow and unaware.

Meanwhile I want to set up a date on Monday to hang out with a coworker who is potential love interest. Last time I did that was about a year ago with RE which obviously ended in trustless and betrayal(She is a coworker from Ernst & Young Indonesia, public accounting firm. She is from the same division I was, audit for Banking and Financial Services clients). I am feeling like shit because there is this rich popular girl in my new office, which I am trying to think how to approach to. Thing is, thanks to destiny this girl happens to enter with me to the same division, and funnily enough, the same career. My problem is, we are complete opposites. She's confident, pretty, outgoing and has a troop of male friends behind her. She has traveled a lot and lived her life like any rich girl would. On the other hand, there is me: the mid-class self-loathing boy who grew up on video games and never accomplished anything worth shit. :(

Anyway, I'm reading Atlas Shrugged. This book is depressing. The protagonists are are emotionally distant narcissistic cunts, and everybody else is a loudmouthed blatantly stupid cunt. Brevity is a concept lost on Ayn Rand, it seems and she restates her concepts constantly throughout the book. Albeit, the concepts portrayed are simple yet profound, but the amount she needed to say it was saliently unnecessary. Why is this prose so bad? Why is this book so long? Then I realize that I was reading a book about introverts. Welcome to their mindset.

I guess it could be worse. Maybe I'll go get drunk by myself and play Skyrim instead. :)

Just a list of movies I would like to watch this year:
Science of sleep
Guest House Paradiso
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything
The Weather Man
Bunny and the Bull
The Horde

Paying for a relationship

You often hear of people going to a coffee place and the woman having a nice time and all with some guy, but often it's the guy that going over to pay for the drinks rather than the woman. Which makes dating often feel like a chore for the guy, rather than a treat which it usually is for the woman. So women don't think of how to make a night be nice for the guy, while being with the guy. Instead I hear of a lot of women that think of the way to make a nice night for a guy be just letting him do his own thing, which seems counter to my concept of what a relationship should be.

It's why a lot of "nice guys" that women want to be with, generally will feel like not bothering to get with a woman, since it can just mean a whole lot of courting that is really just a way for the woman to have fun on the town at someone else' expense. Maybe I am too young to really have dealt with this kind of stuff to really know how most adults function.

Do you think women have it harder than men? I mean it's easier for women to get in relationships, but look at what happens when they get put in the same situation as men. Girls with an attractiveness level equal to that of guys are automatically placed in higher leagues. It's a social thing. I'm not so sure why girls are more social, perhaps because society has been bent so that even the fattest of the fat of girls think they're pretty.

A gay friend said that straight women have it easier than straight guys, at least in todays society. Things like pay are basically the same for men and women now when they do equal work, so the only thing that really is special to being either sex is relationships, and women have the easier role in relationships since they are the one sought after rather than the one doing the seeking. Women in general have just the easiest possible life, in regards to relationships. But many get stuck thinking of themselves as ultra-special and wonderful, and want to be waited on which just makes guys get tired or frustrated as they try to placate women's desires to be independent and waited on at the same time. How often do you hear about a woman going out and buying a guy a coffee? Or getting a pizza and bringing it by a guy's place to hang out?

Women can be a bit odd about this stuff. I'd really love to hear about a woman that is desperate for a nice boyfriend, that actually goes out of her way to do something nice for guys on a regular basis. Because I really can't believe it ever happens. 

Money usually means something to people, and the whole gesture of paying for something is also meaningful to people. The idea that one person should be the one to bare that burden is one of inequality especially in a relationship. Do whatever you feel is right, maybe take turns, it really doesn't matter to me. It's not about equality, it's about paying for something, it's not a big deal don't make it into one. Don't worry about money so much, go for a walk in the park or some shit if you don't want to spend money. 

....

Aku Harus Jujur

If people were watching me on a screen it'd be like the Office, where half of the episode you are tensing the muscles in your chest going "oh my god".

Every week I look back at what I did and am appalled at some of the shit I did or said. Sometimes at the end of the day I ask myself how I could have been so stupid to do or say some things. And I'm right. I don't feel like a retard when I'm doing it, but when I reflect on it later, or I read what I wrote a week, a day, a few hours ago, I want to disappear.

I don't feel like I have no inhibitions, or even that I'm overly critical of myself. It's like I forget myself and become a pretentious asshole, or total buffoon, or worthless lump, for just a few moments, and that's all the time it takes to fuck up and reveal my stupid inner self to other people.

I'm very critical of everyone who doesn't seem 'genuine'. But I hate the things I do and say because I don't feel I have a unique personality. I'm not going to obliterate half of my brain with marijuana and living the rest of my life working at a Circle K. I have figured the self is something that must be forged (a new personality). Something people would love. Something that would make people happy. I'm jealous of people who can be themselves because I don't have much of a self. I must try to look forward. Beyond the pain of regretting the unwise choices I've made. I must make a new life. One I will be proud of.

Does anyone else feel like their life is an endless satire of itself? It's like we're a big cosmic joke..

What A Relationship Is To Them

Some (but not all) consider a relationship to be all about them. Their wants and needs, as far as they are concerned, take precedence over everything else. They have expectations of the man that they would never even consider reciprocating - in fact, it rarely even occurs to them to consider it. They are less likely to consider the man's feelings, and some convince themselves that men simply don't have feelings. You'll also see some use weird bits of gender bias and double standards as a weapon to get their way.

Note that this isn't for all of them, but some or all of the above isn't uncommon among their young ages 18 - 25. Funny thing, though - the ones that do that will do as much as they can get away with, so if you don't tolerate their bullshit, you won't receive as much of it.

Ignore them

A self-righteous person is not someone whom you should try to impress. The first  week of April already has passed, what I have gained so far in my office? I am willing to give time to projects other than my own but most of my gestures are not commented upon, not even noted. I want to look for direct praise, I have to find a way to point subtly to my extra effort. ..honestly I have been suspecting of those who wish to derail my good intentions, I learned from the last time of my missing performance evaluation.

Nothing is sharp and clearly defined lately, and I am not expecting too much of clarity to arise. Fortunately, I have notice that dealing with ambiguity is something of a specialty of mine.

Emotional upheaval distracting me from a bigger problem. I won't let this drama get in the way of helping her who really needs my help. My partnership with RE is based on give and take. Right now I understand that RE needs to be on the receiving end. I try to let her know that she can count on me, and I am eager to give my love to her freely.

I cannot stop beating myself up. My problem is that I can't be clear about what I want, everything else quite as well. I know that isn't a crime for this inability to decide where I want to go next. This current fuzzy perspective is making trivial issues look like real problems. Making real problems look like simple things.. Maybe if I make trivial tasks my priority things will just work themselves out..

Tips on giving relationship advice

We've all been there..

1. Listen more, Talk less

Never mistake your friend's need to vent as your cue to start doling out wisdom. Sometimes saying things aloud is all a person needs to help themselves. So, be a good friend, open your ears, and keep your mouth shut.

2. Be Cool, Calm, and Collected

When someone comes to you and is hysterical, the last thing they need is for you to be angry, judgmental, or otherwise, in another heightened emotional state. Whether we realize it or not, we feed off of each other's energy. Nothing spells disaster like two hyper-emotional people attempting to have a meaningful conversation. Think of the last time you drunk-dialed an ex. It wasn't pretty was it?

3. No One Wants to Feel Dumb

When someone comes to you for advice, they are usually tip-toeing around the question, "Am I being stupid?". Even if the answer is clearly "yes", you should be just as evasive and refrain from giving such a direct answer. Nobody wants to be told that they are being stupid. Just offer them a chance to view things from another perspective and they'll realize it on their own. Self-realization is so much more lasting and powerful than you chiming in with, "Stop being an idiot, you idiot!"

4. Do Not Hang Their Partner Out to Dry

Watch out for this one. When you bash someone's partner behind their back because you think it will help your friend "see the light", take a wild guess at who won't be invited to the wedding after they get back together? People will always forgive their partners in the end, but they will never forget the hurtful things you said about them when they came running to you for help. Sadly, I don't think you should expect to get a "Thank You" card, even if you were trying to be helpful.

5. Love is Blind

Couples involved in a toxic relationship always get back together because they feel their is something intangible that exists between them that their friends will never understand. Unfortunately, we the friends, are simply trying to show you something that is very tangible and unhealthy that everyone other than you is able to see. When you finally do, it will be like waking up from a bad dream. As a friend, you have to know where to draw the line and when to stop getting involved. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"

6. Remember, It's Not Your Relationship

When in doubt, don't say anything at all. Sometimes the best way to save your own friendship with someone is to avoid getting involved in the first place. What you have to say may be the God's honest truth, but who appointed you to be God's messenger? Dating advice is one of those things that is great in theory, but in the end, we learn best from our own mistakes.

source: datingish