Still hurts: A slap in the face

written on 11th April 

Just break up with me. 

Don't need to give me a reason. I will dwell on that. It's better to know that she doesn't want to be in a relationship... as far as I know. 

How does she could tell a guy she's been dating for three months he's boring? She's gotten to know him, and she don't like what she's found. The person she met isn't the person she now knows. So how could she tell me that I'm boring and dump me? She doesn't directly telling me that I am boring her. I get to know about it from friend of a friend on my birthday last March. She only say that I haven't felt the right kind of chemistry with her (and obviously that she's going to jump back into the dating pool). Knowing that, I just want to dump her, and not be an asshole about it. 

If I am in her position, I'd likely not let her know it's because she's boring. Unlike what she did to me, I'd make up anything else not telling anyone and that's the nicest possible way. Just tell her I don't feel chemistry, not ready for a relationship. Try doing fun things that I think are exciting and invite her. If they aren't fun then just stop calling her. 

 It would be incredibly haughty to declare myself interesting, but I'd like to think I've outgrown utter vapidness, which still permeates most of youth culture. I think she may be taking things the wrong way - what I meant is that, I cannot properly engage with said people in "intellectual" conversation as they have nothing to offer. One could argue that truly interesting people make the activity, regardless of what it is, interesting simply because they are there. I've had a blast doing "boring" things with people that would have been way less fun with anyone else. Some people are just naturally fun to be around.

Part of moving on: 

Some girls are boring, some are not. All girls are boring eventually, this is no surprise to me. The only somewhat interesting girls are so fucking infatuated with their own rarity that the pleasant qualities don't even fucking matter. That may be my potential idiocy doesn't make girls any more interesting. I'm old enough. 

Might a typical guy have something going on when the typical girl says she's doing "nothing, bored, everything sucks?" Sure. But that something is probably video games or eating at a friend's house and fuck all else. Young men and women are boring as hell. And yes, the few who aren't really do obsess over lifestyle over substance.Teenagers or young adults simply aren't interesting; it just so happens that more often than not, girls haven't had the need to develop a fucking personality by that point. The degree of severity and frequency of completely hollow youngsters seems to be higher on the females' side. 

I wouldn't say things are objectively interesting, stimulating or challenging by the mere virtue of there being someone to think so. That is, unless someone can make those topics more than their face value, which leads me to another facet to this is what's being said, holding up a conversation, contributing original thought, providing insight and information. Whatever the subject if an individual can take a subject and truly offer stimulating ideas about them, then it's interesting. Most youngsters don't have that sort of cognitive capability. 

What is boring and vapid to you is not boring and vapid to them. You are likely just as boring as the people you are thinking about.

Still hurts

written on 7th April 

Now it's like limbo. 

A weird moment in our relationship where we both know there are times that we didn't want to be with each other. Not sure if we're growing apart or just under stress. I think about breaking up, but can't really follow through because of doubt that it may not be the right decision. She said also feels the same. I love her but I can't tell about her anymore because I'm absolutely terrified that she doesn't feel the same way, we've been seeing each other for a few months but whenever I bring up a relationship she kind of gets distant and dodges my questions. 

We both just need to calm down to actually get to the bottom of the issues. Maybe both of us could try to take some time off of work to just be together, and if these feelings of detachment persist, then maybe it is time to think about separating. But maybe it is just the stress of our jobs that's getting to the both of us, and I just need to spend some quality time together the get that spark going again. Nothing good comes easy. 

I know all the right things I have to do to make myself a better person and a friend, but she said I just don't do them. I could be better at anything I do but all I do is procrastinate. The end is always the hardest part, I just need to remember that I've worked so hard to get to this point and I can't think of just flush all that down the drain. Just keep thinking about how satisfying it will be to accept my degree and power through it. I love her but she implies me that doesn't want a relationship. I'm afraid I'll have to burn that bridge tomorrow. It's fucking killing me. 

Part of moving on: 

Surround yourself with people that make you feel comfortable in your own skin. If you don't feel at ease when around your friends you'll never truly be able to be yourself. Realize that being yourself is what is going to make you happy, and that it's not worth pretending to be someone else. Don't try to rush into things. You may want everything to happen all at once, but that's not how these things work.Take things slow. Try going out to a cafe or a bar and meeting one or two people, and just try talking to them. Find some common interests and if they're there everything else should fall into place. You just have to put yourself out there and try, and if you get shot down just remember that it happens to everybody and in the end you'll be a stronger person for even trying. If you are worried about being rejected for letting your true colors shine remember that if the people around you don't like the real you then they aren't the people you should be surrounding yourself with. There are other people out there who will appreciate you for you and not what you pretend to be, and you just need to keep that in mind and burn the mask. You can even take little steps if you are more comfortable that way and just take the mask off in small doses, and before you know it it'll be completely off and you'll be so much more happy living life as yourself and not someone you're pretending to be. You'll never truly be able to connect to your friends if you don't trust them enough to be yourself.

Short Note by the end of Ramadan

I constantly feel like there are bugs crawling all over me and stuff is touching me and there's a loud ringing once in a while. I've asked some people and they said it could be schizophrenia but I don't think that I could have schizophrenia. A little restless, keeping busy however I can. Current distraction: trying to learn stuff about Money Market but no idea where to start. I miss my girlfriend, SPI very much. I'm disappointed at my life, my writing skills and basically the way the world works and what it makes people think and do.

I'm upset at the way my mother has been treating me. She knows she is neglecting me because we've talked about SPI a few times, but it never changes and I get nothing. I hate bringing it up to my mother because I've done it already several times, but the next time I do I'll probably end what I have. I won't do that until I'm ready to let my love out of my life. It breaks my heart to think SPI probably won't be in my life anymore. At least I am ready to make that decision if the time comes.

I also hate my family and blame them for my social backwardness for raising me in a way that made sexual encounters a massive taboo without marriage. I live in a small place, and people in my family are stuck up ignorant rich pieces of shit so I don't have much chance.

I want to have my own business but im not even motivated to start. Not only that, i feel like i hit my creative peak at 16, and it has been down hill since then. Too tired to do anything, too bored to sleep. but how can you be too bored to sleep? I find myself sleeping a lot when Im bored.

Kerjaan dan Keluarga

I recently figured out that why I want to be an accountant. Do you ever get the feeling that you'll never find a job you actually like? I'm almost 26, planning to get a master's degree in a pretty specific field, and I had a very promising career path. So why do I feel like the last several years of school have been a mistake and I should have gone into engineering or some shit where I have to be on the factory floor a lot rather than dealing with fewer people or be at a desk? I just know, though, that if I had gone into engineering I'd be regretting that for some other reason. My guess is that since I was not so talented in school at a young age, I took the path of least resistance and never learned diligence or people skills. So now I'm afraid of hard work and dealing with others, and every method of getting money involves at least one of those.

More guessing than anything else. When I was answering interview questions, I realized two things: 1) I don't actually have a ton of real experience, even though I've studied it a lot but 2) some of it sounds stressful as shit or beyond my capability. Sadly, not only do I hate work, but I have recently discovered that I hate people as well. Shit sucks, yo. I figured that if I was going to be a misanthrope, it would have happened earlier. I've long since given up on that. I'm just trying to cultivate a social life. It doesn't matter how much money I have as long as I can do fun things with people I like. For me, fun things is basically hanging out. Shame I'm an unlikeable piece of shit who can't make new friends, really. I also do not have a dream job, so I am content with it, however. I guess my dream job would be fapping and vidya all day and getting paid a ton of money for it. But that doesn't exist, which I think is the important part.

People in Western civilization have the luxury of not having to be super decisive. If they end up fucking hating the job, feel free to go back to school. They can always go back to school. Everyone hates their job. Luckily there's group therapy for it. They meet at the bar everyday after 5 o'clock- I think George Carlin said that. :)

Am I an asshole for not wanting anything to do with my family? Am I selfish because I want to do what I want? If this has to depend on my culture, I am Asian so my family is really tightly-woven and perfectly fine. We are there for each other at the drop of a hat, and I don't even like most of them, but that's just how it functions. I hardly talk to any of them even when we are living under the same roof. I am grateful that they are willing to support me, but I want to leave them and live by myself. I'm sure I'll be fine once I move out.

My parents like assuming things about me and bringing up things like "I bought you this guitar for $300 5 years ago" to try and guilt me to do things. And my mother is always complaining about how I am "autistic" and have no friends and social life. I'm want to be upfront with them. I just want to tell them straight up, if they want something, just ask. And if I can't then I can't. Favors aren't obligatory. My family is really condescending, I rarely see them but when I do they talk down to me because I'm not making as much money as I "could" be. Yeah it's like all they care is how much money I'm going to make after I graduate.

Kau Pilih Caramu

Tapi bagiku ku merasa tak bersalah kau yang menodai ketulusanku. Mungkin memang begitu kau bermain dengan cinta. Itu kau sendiri yang memilih cara mu.