Beautiful When Anything Has Purity

I'm uglier than him and uglier than her, right now that makes me feel hideous. Even girls on my level don't want guy like me. I'm the invisible kind of ugly. Fuck, I feel terrible like I just want to end everything right now but I can't because I don't see her in person for awhile. I'm just so tired of feeling like the ugly hidden boy friend the hot girl keeps since her hot bf left her.

I kept thinking you'd reply. I kept thinking you'd try to contact me. But you didn't and you won't. You give a fuck about me and I doubt you ever did. I wish I could stop thinking about you. I wish I could let it go. I can't go anywhere I know you might be without feeling like an anxiety-ridden wreck. I fear I'd turn to stone if I ever saw you again, and I'd have a breakdown if I saw you with another man. I'm so fucking guilt-ridden. I'm so sorry for everything I put you through.

I can understand of you don't want a relationship, and that you thought of me as a friend, but it still hurt. Mainly because I knew it already, I thought about how you likely wanted to be free and not tied down and that's why I never wanted to bother you with asking about it. 

I like you so, so much, and I don't want to say the other word because I'm scared that you'll only end up falling for someone else and leaving me behind and that would hurt even more. I wish I could hurry up with saving so I could finally see you, but I have to get better too. I have to finish getting my degree and getting a better job. Not just because I want to be with you but for me.

I really enjoyed the fact that we were able to talk few days ago. When I said I missed that I really meant it. As you're aware we don't hear from you much. I love and crave talking about those sort of things with you. Messiness caused by absence and miscommunication wears on me. In any case, I don't know if you were catching on to what I was alluding to..

I really do want to talk to you more, but for you working seems to take up most of your time and thinking takes up most of mine. Just know that I'm always thinking of you and hope you take care.

2013 Is About Trying To Figure Out Some Things.

May as well get it out of my chest since I never come here after the beginning of the year. And to introduce myself again: I am a well educated mid 20s clean cut guy who has never been in any kind of trouble prior to this. I am supposed to be writing a research letter for Fixed Income Obligations but I spent my Saturday night playing PS3 Naruto Generation's survival mode. I just cant stop procrastinating. :) My suggestion to myself: "Why not commit a month of my time to learn something new each week. Like spend my free time learning or doing something for a week. Eventually, I will find something I really enjoy. Then I can go from there." Hmph, I should actually try this..

Bundaran Hotel Indonesia, the iconic center of Jakarta is covered by mud colored flood.

Realized I've been boxed in from all the raining last week so I did a very depressing night of long warm shower, doing all the gay moisturising things even to my face, not a bad way to go to bed. The past week Jakarta suffered from a heavy raining, definitely one of the devastating flood inundate this city.

Today, on Sunday, I am rewatching Rurouni Kenshin (Samurai X) anime after seen the Movie Live-action last Wednesday night though unfinished and finally realized I don't have a lot of friends. I am discontent with that. Got to figure out why I holding back to make new friends in my new office, Bank Mutiara on Treasury Div. I must be doing something wrong but I just don't know what. Maybe I should share this insecurity with somebody that actually know me.

While also trying to figure out how to get over my infatuation with my current girl-friend, SPI, who I cannot exactly cut out of my life. I am really into her and she is sort of into me. But right now I technically haven't got a secure job and couldn't really afford to do anything for her, also she is attending graduate school on weekends and ignoring me most days. She never said that we had each other and I can't tell if she was very happy. I know this sounds like that retarded ass Disney movie, the one with dogs. She's not a bad person, and I really want to like her, because I was excited that we are in relationship again. Besides, she's pretty cute for her age and that makes her attractive. But it's actually a pain because I don't know if I can deal with her personality which sometimes comes out as shallow and unaware.

Meanwhile I want to set up a date on Monday to hang out with a coworker who is potential love interest. Last time I did that was about a year ago with RE which obviously ended in trustless and betrayal(She is a coworker from Ernst & Young Indonesia, public accounting firm. She is from the same division I was, audit for Banking and Financial Services clients). I am feeling like shit because there is this rich popular girl in my new office, which I am trying to think how to approach to. Thing is, thanks to destiny this girl happens to enter with me to the same division, and funnily enough, the same career. My problem is, we are complete opposites. She's confident, pretty, outgoing and has a troop of male friends behind her. She has traveled a lot and lived her life like any rich girl would. On the other hand, there is me: the mid-class self-loathing boy who grew up on video games and never accomplished anything worth shit. :(

Anyway, I'm reading Atlas Shrugged. This book is depressing. The protagonists are are emotionally distant narcissistic cunts, and everybody else is a loudmouthed blatantly stupid cunt. Brevity is a concept lost on Ayn Rand, it seems and she restates her concepts constantly throughout the book. Albeit, the concepts portrayed are simple yet profound, but the amount she needed to say it was saliently unnecessary. Why is this prose so bad? Why is this book so long? Then I realize that I was reading a book about introverts. Welcome to their mindset.

I guess it could be worse. Maybe I'll go get drunk by myself and play Skyrim instead. :)

Just a list of movies I would like to watch this year:
Science of sleep
Guest House Paradiso
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything
The Weather Man
Bunny and the Bull
The Horde

Perilaku berkendara

Jalanan sehari-hari di Jakarta enggak bikin gw mumet, sama sekali. Kenapa? Yaah secara logis ajah, kredit untuk motor sekarang ini mudah banget, kantor jasa finance kendaraan roda dua udah macem-macem dan cabangnya dimana-mana. Terus juga pemasaran dan iklan untuk motor jenis bebek semakin variatif diberbagai media. Coba nonton tv, setiap jeda iklan pasti ada aja iklan motor nya (sama iklan kartu handpone dan iklan kopi, bongkar bongkar bongkar). 

Buat gw enggak level aja deh ya kalau ngehina motor jenis apa yang paling murahan, alay, norak, dan kampungan. Itu semua kembali ke penghasilan dan rezeki masing-masing pemilik motor. Dirumah gw ada motor juga; yang keperluannya mulai dari nganterin nyokap ke pasar tradisional sampai jemput gebetan, jadi gw ngerasain semuanya. Dari SMA gw punya sahabat yang motornya rakitan sendiri, sampe akhirnya sekarang dia mampu beli motor beneran. So, for me it's narrow down to the attitude of bikers on the road.

Fenomena anak-anak alay.. yaah, namanya juga anak-anak bro, ntar kalau udah celaka juga kapok sendiri mereka. That's how I learned to be careful. Kalau geng motor nah baru tuh kurang ajar, sulit dibedainnya sama ormas-ormas yang lagi kampanye, atau suporter sepak bola yang yel-yel dengan lagu kadang juga cacian, mendadak aja rusuh terus berantakin fasilitas Ibukota.. (pengalaman ngendarain mobil plat B di kota Bandung, pas Persib kalah!) Nanti giliran Pemda mau benerin fasilitas yang dirusak itu dicurigain ada uang yang masuk kantong pribadi.. Hadeuh..

Gw emang enggak usah pusing-pusing kok. Klo gw nemunin pengendara yang kampungan biasanya kalau bisa gw coba ambil jalur lain, maklum bawaan hati pengen keplak kepala orang-orang ini, saking ngeselinnya. Buat gw pengendara motor yang tidak sopan dijalanan itu ciri-ciri diantaranya begini:

1. Bapak-bapak
2. Jaket kulit tua, atau tidak memakai jaket sama sekali.
3. Umur antara 30 - 45 tahun
4. Kulit gelap, sawo matang
5. Kumisan
6. Enggak mau kalah, pas jalanan lagi penuh, ada kesempatan nyalip dikit langsung gas kenceng dan ngepot kanan/kiri sambil pelototin mata pengendara dibelakang yang tinggal lurus aja.
7. Sambil ngerokok
8. Boncengin ibu-ibu yang lebih gendut, jilbaban biasanya
9. Naik motor keluaran tahun '90an
10. Bunyi kenalpotnya yang nyaring
11. Enggak sabaran. Udah tahu lampu masih merah tapi klakson motor yang berhenti di depannya, maksudnya biar motor didepannya minggir, jadi dia bisa nyerobot. Atau lampu lalulintas baru berubah warna jadi hijau beberapa detik gitu, bunyiin klaksonnya udah spartan, padahal dia masih 20 meter jauhnya dari lampu.

Iya beberapa dari mereka itu profesinya Ojek, tapi juga banyak kok Ojek yang masih ngerti sopan santun di jalan meskipun mereka dituntut untuk berpacu dengan kebutuhan si penumpang. Dan sekali lagi gw enggak menghina jenis motor apaan, itu gw cuman nyebut ciri yaah. Juga soal ibu-ibu yang gendut itu, nyokap gw juga lumayan berisi kok.

Tips simpel yang gw terapin kalau keluar ke jalan di Jakarta cuman ini aja: ketika keluar berdoa dulu agar terhindar dari bahaya dan celaka, berangkat lebih awal, lebih santai, nyalip dan kenceng seperlunya sesuai kondisi jalan, patuhin aturan lalu lintas itu melatih kesabaran diri juga ngelatih batin untuk mengkasihani saudara kita yang blo'on dan enggak sayang sama nyawanya.

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Kemarin sore, gw mau jemput nyokap di rumah temennya. Cuaca mau turun hujan, langit mendung. Gw bawa mobil dong karena udah gerimis dan juga ada temen nyokap minta dianterin pulang. Luar jalan gang rumah gw pertigaan, mobil gw dijalur sebelah kiri mau belok ke kanan. Kiri gw kosong, tapi ada motor yang maju dari sebelah kanan jalan itu tapi masih jauh. Gw belokin setir dan mobil santai yaa. Mendadak si motor dari kanan itu nyelip ngebut didepan gw, dan si pengendara motor, bapak itu melototin gw gitu. Gw tau udah mendung dan gerimis, tapi si bapak itu gw lihat dari spion malah makin ngebut setelah melototin gw itu.

City problems of Jakarta

City problems of Jakarta:

1. Flood
2. Slump Areas
3. Public Education System
4. Health
5. Trading Center Facilities
6. Water Conservation
7. Drainage area

Car driver and Bike rider are "occupying" the Busway line on the left side

8. Traffic jam and transportation
• Increase of personal vehicle ( 8% per year) faster than road development (0,01% per year)
• Traffic Mobility from Bodetabek (Bogor, Depok, Tangerang and Bekasi) to Jakarta increase 1,5x (2002-2010)
• Motorcycle ridership increase 2,75% and public transportation decrease 28,4%
• Customer Service of Transjakarta Bus is still unsatisfactory or inadequate: waiting time, long distance, comfort (cosiness), system information, bus shelter accessibility, and sanitation.
• Unsatisfactory Commuter Line service: often time lateness, machine break down, number of cars available is not in line with passangers which result in the cars always full during busy time
• Public transportation are not yet orderly.

Source: Kompas, District Public Works Service, District Transportation Service, etc. ‘Angkot’ not made for Jakarta

Knowing, but not Understanding

Last week's bombing incident in front of JW Marriott and Ritz-Carlton hotels (17 July) opens the old wound. I was born and bred in Jakarta, though I spent my early childhood abroad. I feel hurt inside because the fact of the city I love so much is still unsafe (my early memory of act of terrorism is the 1998's riots of May, I was a in 5th grade). In a matter of couple weeks I will go fly back to Indonesia, and I am not ready yet. I can imagine my family and relative's expectation of me when I get home, they must have think that I have changed so much that I have been "Americanized", but I am not. I got dehumanized instead.

Every night I make a conversation with myself, (been doing this for two weeks and a half now, to keep myself company and to practice my sanity). Last night we talked about the impact of incidents that has ever happened in the city to every aspect of society that lives in. I have to admit that as a person, I am pretty apathetic. I can't even fake myself to act like I am sad. (I don't remember since when I learned to shut off my emotions- probably because this kind of incident happens a lot that I don't care anymore.) If caring is one step to maturity, I want to start being care.