Better and Improved

Come back when you truly know that frustration. Self-betterment means being better than yourself not other people. But even in a competition, everyone knows they are at a disadvantage in some way. Everyone knows Usain Bolt is the fastest runner in the world, but what about the guy finishing in 2nd or 3rd? Doesn't mean Usain was the only one running because everyone else quit. A shitload of no names ran more than you ever have in your life just to watch some dude get a medal. And those runner-ups are still running.

Now about self-improvement, real self-improvement involves bettering yourself, not your ego. Is your goal to be better than other people or than yourself? If it's the first, join a fucking competition so you can have the numbers to prove it instead of your own ego. If it's the second, then what's the big deal? The only other guy in the ring is you. The only one running on the track is you, not some dude whose ancestors ran their whole lives. Why are you feeling bad for someone else's accomplishments when you've been striving to beat yourself all this time?

The only time you ever lose against yourself is when you throw in the towel. shit's the hardest fight there is, man. Because it never stops. There is no bell ring, no finish line. It's only over when you die.

Aku Harus Jujur

If people were watching me on a screen it'd be like the Office, where half of the episode you are tensing the muscles in your chest going "oh my god".

Every week I look back at what I did and am appalled at some of the shit I did or said. Sometimes at the end of the day I ask myself how I could have been so stupid to do or say some things. And I'm right. I don't feel like a retard when I'm doing it, but when I reflect on it later, or I read what I wrote a week, a day, a few hours ago, I want to disappear.

I don't feel like I have no inhibitions, or even that I'm overly critical of myself. It's like I forget myself and become a pretentious asshole, or total buffoon, or worthless lump, for just a few moments, and that's all the time it takes to fuck up and reveal my stupid inner self to other people.

I'm very critical of everyone who doesn't seem 'genuine'. But I hate the things I do and say because I don't feel I have a unique personality. I'm not going to obliterate half of my brain with marijuana and living the rest of my life working at a Circle K. I have figured the self is something that must be forged (a new personality). Something people would love. Something that would make people happy. I'm jealous of people who can be themselves because I don't have much of a self. I must try to look forward. Beyond the pain of regretting the unwise choices I've made. I must make a new life. One I will be proud of.

Does anyone else feel like their life is an endless satire of itself? It's like we're a big cosmic joke..