Never develops in any meaningful fashion

I feel like something went awry with my life. My life has not yet begun. I am spending overtime inside of my mother's belly. It's not that bad. I successfully obtained a life that people would be jealous of. But something is missing. Is this really it? There's got to be some more meaningful life out there... More rose-colored, more sparkling. There might have been some after college life with not a single dark cloud that would have satisfied me!

I got to where I am by believing in my own potential. I am not sure I am saying it right.. but why does my heart feel so cold? Maybe there's a choice I should have made that would have led to some other possibility? Maybe the choices I made in my first year were wrong? I know I cannot use the word "possibility" without limitations. Can I become a pilot? Can I become a famous singer, or a superhero who saves the world with my powers?

Perhaps I could. But if I keep focusing my gaze on that which is unrealistic, I never will. The root of all my evil is in always relying on one of my other possibilities to get my wish. I must accept that I am the person here, now, and I cannot become anyone else other than that person. There is no way that I can lead some worthwhile life and feel satisfied.

Everything I had done had all been meaningless, but I had thought that it was the same for Mona. However, Mona had enjoyed her meaningless after college life to her heart's content, she had a boyfriend, and was even a fool in love! Was I the only one who wasted her life? Immediately after I was born, I was the incarnation of innocence. Loved as much as baby Moses was by Queen Hatshepsut. With not a hint of a wicked thought, it was said my smile would illuminate the countryside around my hometown with the light of love. And what of me now? Is this how I plan to settle my accounts, as I am? Where is the one responsible? If it will always turn out like this, then I should do nothing at all! It would be best not to set foot outside of my mother's womb!

A whole lot of shaking going on

Well, that's no surprise, especially since I've seen fit to start making some big changes in my life. Initially, things might seem crazier or more unsettled, but I just have to hold on past these disruptions. All change is stressful, even change for the better. I may be revamping old patterns or foundations that had been in place for a very long time. Protips: stay calm and it will get better soon.

I want anything I begin today result in higher productivity for me. I just have to remember that things are still up in the air, so that gives me plenty of time to check my work. New ideas comes through poetry, music and other artistic sources. Take a little extra care with my actions, though there's no need for paralysis.

I usually do not feel like it at first, but once I get going, I get a ton of things done. Clearing off my chores list and move forward on my art. Just get started anywhere and momentum will push along. Make sure I am in touch with everyone who needs to be kept in the loop. I will need my people on board and up to speed if I am going to pull this one off.

Depersonalization Disorder

I have panic attacks but a very rational thought process. Most of the time I find myself just saying or doing things with the appearance that I have little regard for anything. Is it weird that I feel like a lot of people could possibly have this but probably just don't know the name for it? It's not a very well known thing. I've been trying to find a name for this and I think I have it as well.

Shall I congratulate myself as I have discovered reflective and reflexive thought? It's normal to a degree and only becomes pathological if you perceive it as making you suffer. Maybe I also have the other one which is Derealization. I'm kinda used to it now though. But it still sucks. I know I'm alright, but that does'nt take away the terrible feeling. It also doesn't help that there's technically no cure for it, just ways to make it less intense.

Feels peaceful, man

I haven't gone anywhere because I want to in a long time. I go out but mostly only because I have to. I don't count stuff like doing internship or college or stuff my mom suggests I go to. I have set a goal to change my social life over the summer.

I read about people partying and "clubbing" and whatnot more often these days on Facebook and feel like it's just me. Never been to a party, never cared about them, never wanted to go to them, etc. I just never get invited anywhere, never take initative of anything. Feel bad about it sometimes, but it's just the way I am, I guess. The vast majority of my times is still spent at work or in my dark, air conditioned room.

Not as much as I used to be. I'm not a complete social alien, I just keep to myself and associate with other human beings sparsely.  I dont have a hard time talking to people, I actually like talking and i get hyper around others. I do have a girlfriend. I do go to school and have a job.  I have a few friends IRL, dont see them often. If I had friends like the ones I have online and talk to daily I'd be a pretty fucking happy man.

I know people but there's very little connection, when I look at them I don't see individuals I just see a "human", it's kind of like noticing a car rather than the people driving the car, you acknowledge there presence only in the moment and then you move on with your day and forget their existence.

I'm a shut in but I hate it. I sit at home alone all day miserably, then when my friends invite me to go out with them I end up leaving early because I'd rather be alone at home. Then once I get home I feel like I'm wasting my youth sitting on the computer all day and get depressed again.

I hate being a shut in.. clubbing however is overrated unless you're drinking/on-something.

My taste in music is just too sick for females to comprehend (part 2)

Natural selection does happen. It is now common for girl in the city to have 7 children from 5 different men by their mid twenties. The environment completely supports this irresponsible lifestyle and many people are actively taking advantage of this. Some people are rising above traditional roles and values because they are realizing that there is more to things than pure survival these days. Modern technology makes every body able to live a decent life with little to no effort, women don't need a big hulk to protect their brood, they may enjoy fulfilling their genetic prerogatives by having a manly father for their children but more and more other social factors are coming into play, such as fashion sense and wealth.

About nerdy women, guys talking about their ideal woman as shy and quiet, that it cannot be a coincidence; I would say the majority of men want a woman who is generally of their own mindset, so that they can relate to them better. Pretty logical, let's continue down this train of thought.. The fact that some men require a girl be into video games and hardly ever put any other requirements - it's never like passionate about life or oves to ride roller coasters or something like that - leads me to believe that they don't put anything else that the girl needs to relate to simply because they don't have anything else themselves that they can relate to.

On to second bit about the gender steryeotypes (something I'm sure I do every time a girl says hi and smiles at me) manages to completely miss the mark of what I was saying - so out of the kindness of my heart; typically, being a man or manning up has the connotation of being tough, headstrong, independant, etc - an alternative and less gender specific example would be for me to toughen up.

I am posting this entry because of the first part; it seemed to fit with the whole mantra of manning up and acting rationally (get out, go do something else, stop acting like a wuss) when the girl doesn't immediately leap at me. I do have guidelines; stop bitching, stop blaming the world and everyone else (parents, friends, life in general) for my problems, and start trying to fix them. Or stay in my room and cry myself to sleep as I slip deeper and deeper into a bitter rage at all that I could never attain.

My taste in music is just too sick for females to comprehend (part 1)

I suppose that I am in part referring to gender roles. Human are animals (though I can't say much from religious perspective) and like animals male and female fulfill different roles. The average Joe doesn't want a girlfriend that doesn't shave and acts manlier than him. Likewise why would any woman want to be dating a effeminate man? That shit doesn't fly with natural selection.

A guy could be fucking obsessed with some girl and she could only just know of him. This could be something worth considering when he think he is being ignored. It's not like one would go out of his way to talk to some behind the scenes person at a cafe or supermarket is it? It's not like we are on an even footing either.

The thing is, people like me require their girls to like anime and or video games because there is literally so little else in ourlives that they have nothing else going for us; it is my sole interest, passion, hobby, and activity outside of whatever necessities I absolutely have to do to survive. So when a girl comes along who isn't similarly into video games, I have absolutely nothing to relate with them about, or even talk to them about for any extended period of time.

It is reasonable, and it is logical. Most guys look for a woman that they can relate to or have a decent conversation with - and if they're looking for a long term relationship, the base instinct is to find someone who is like themselves and thus, easy to get along with. If they share the same interests, then it's assured you will have something to do/ talk about/ share with each other for quite some time.

False dichotomy.

So much easier to stay inside, there's no barriers to put up, no facade and I'm always at ease.

I hate talking to people. They just tell me their problems and instead of having fun, I just suffer from complete boredom talking to that person. I don't like talking to people, it drains me, but I'm able to do it adequately nonetheless. So yeah, I'm not interested in other people, most of the time anyway. Though that doesn't mean my dick doesn't get hard when I see a pretty girl. I have no friends to introduce me to other friends, there's no foot in between the door. What am I to do other than walk up to a random person and ask if he or she wants to be my friend because I have none? Maybe I just haven't met interesting people to like, being with some ...human beings.

I get sad.. then I go whine to people on the internet. I do the daydreaming social interaction thing too. I have complex conversations in my head with friends existant or non existant. Once in a while I go to a girl friends house and hope for some contact in the form of holding hands or cuddling.. Or just hold pillow very tight.

I mostly focus on other things rather than worrying about having someone. Music, Blogging, Video games, Online games and some Online friends. It's almost enough right now, but not sure how long I can keep it up till I go into a mental break down again.

In this case, a broken heart sometimes preferable. If I can have relationships, it's proof that I'm human. Right now, I see myself as subhuman because nothing I ever do draws people to me. I get pushed away everywhere, I don't have any skills, I'm ugly, I don't make connections. I'd trade that for a relationship even if it doesn't last. By no means am I incapable of being social though. People may think that I'm a very kind and friendly person, but the main problem I keep facing is that I can't relate to other people. I just can't. It's always like I'm making a chat with an old lady, after a minute or so you'll be like, 'well, I've got to be going now...', and I have this with everyone I meet!

It's a fucking human nature: You always want what you currently dont have! Why do you consider it important? It's just animal instinct anyways. Now, what I want to do is to let out my animal side in other ways. Just whatever it feels like doing.

If that matters

Ever come to the realization that all your friends are really just pretty stupid, with whom you really have nothing much in common, but you only keep hanging around with them because you don't bother trying to find new friends? I don't particularly care about the intelligence of people I associate with, as long as they are capable of carrying out a reasonable conversation and such. I don't feel like that that's the only determining factor in a person.

A few of my friends are really smart, often smarter than me, but a lot of them really don't think. I have come to realize over last two years that all my current friends are either seriously crazy (they are all manic or have stress disorder or some shit) or are just simply not fun people to be around. At the same time, I can't avoid them if I find them too annoying. It's far easier to keep them as friends than make enemies because women are real bitches when you stop wanting to hang out.

I don't trust them much anymore and I am trying to figure out how to make friends. I don't really know what to do about this, seeking new friends can be like dating takes time and I tend to fuck up a lot before something good happens. I have started to notice that about most of my friends lately. Shit sucks... I have practically nothing in common with any of them...

Does it really bother that people do such things to get enjoyment?

A lot of Open Source enthusiasts talk about how pirating is in fact counter to central ideals of open source. Someone in my class routinely preaches to me about it. We had a discussion recently that went like this:
Me: I believe knowledge and the means to operate it should be acquired for free, but Open Office seriously sucks. Instead, I pirate Microsoft Office.
Him: This is not sustainable, and actually hurts the mission of open source, which relies on a community that is committed to development and improvement.
Me: Open Office needs a lot of work, man.

I was thinking about this warez and pirated copies of things. The amount of effort that goes into creating these bootlegs is often staggering: tables of contents, crystal clear quality, subtitles, the whole works. Clearly, there is no monetary incentive here. In fact, the marginal utility lost in terms of time is itself quite large. Beyond seeking enjoyment, it's about a question of how to spend your time. Humans are horrible at this. Who is to say that they make rational economic choices? An economic profit is not the same as an accounting profit. Economic profit takes into account all costs and benefits, both seen and unseen.

It has a lot to do with the premise that information which many feel includes software in all it's formats including pirating of things should be free, and anyone and everyone should have access to it regardless of monetary value. Basically, people want things. To get those things, they have to do some things. Sometimes, money is involved; but it needn't to be. Money is simply a tool to gain pleasure. Pleasure is the goal. Benefit is benefit. People don't maximize income, they maximize utility. Thus, economics.

I had a professor that would routinely upload Microsoft and Mac OS among many other things on mininova. He was a programmer and believed in 'open source' all the way so he did that shit during class. One time he made a video loop of Willy Wonka in the Chocolate Factory. It was just Gene Wilder saying "You lose! Good day sir!" about 1000 times. He literally had it on full volume the entire class period, drinking tea, uploading illegal software onto the internet. Kind of a hero.

Buying now in most of America is not a good idea.

Do you realize how expensive most cities are now, especially on the Midwestern and Northeast coasts? I cannot fucking understand huge cities like New York, Chicago, etc., that's just unthinkable to me.

Buying is nice, make no mistake about it. But it must be at the right price and under the right circumstances. The current devastation in the U.S. economy is due, in part, to not taking price and situation into account. What's wrong with just renting for life, especially if you're in a city where owning is absurdly costly and out of the question but renting is still reasonable?

When you rent you put in money that you can't get back. You are paying for a service. Once you move out, all the money you have put into renting is gone, you can't get any of it back. Renting won't stay reasonable for long. (Surely there are cheap condos around?) When you buy, you are making an investment, money you can get back or grow in the future. The big advantage to owning is that you can get most/ all/ more than what you paid back. If you own property the money you put into it is an investment. At the end of it, you can sell your house and get money back and even make money if you are fortunate.

Renting is a perfectly fine option. If the rent is reasonable, you'll avoid many of the expenses of home ownership, plus you are free to move anywhere you like. Home ownership comes with a mortgage payment, taxes, upkeep, insurance, maintenance, etc. In a good tenant/ landlord arrangement, you pay rent, utilities and it’s a good idea to buy renters insurance (super cheap and worth every penny). Leave the upkeep and headache to the landlord/ owner. Of course there is always the chance the landlord will not renew your lease. Or, he sells out, or he gets foreclosed on.

Owning a house is the only thing that you can put effort into and making a profit, well a big one at least. Remodeling, and reselling and all that jazz, but you will always love knowing that it’s yours. (Of course you have to realize that then you are responsible for property tax, lawn/ house maintenance.) Some might say residential real estate is not an investment. The return on housing is commensurate with the rate of inflation. Housing will continue to fall barring continued, extensive intrusion on the part of the government after the most recent housing bubble. You might realize a capital gain in the event of a bubble or if the surrounding area develops enough to increase the local economy and drive up real estate prices.

This talk about throwing money away by renting, you are doing roughly the same thing with buying when you have to pay interest, property taxes, maintenance, and fees (such as homeowner association fees). Renting means you do not have to pay those fees and that free cash flow could be put into true investments that give you a better return over inflation than residential real estate. Don’t get a low ass mortgage you will never be able to pay off. Buy something you can afford to pay off in 5-10 years, if that long…

What count is the effort

Not for her apparently...

Eu 'get no job left in' rope

The better countries in Europe are post-industrial, knowledge-based economies. They make more money from services (finance for instance), innovation, engineering etc than production of goods. Countries like Spain, Greece, etc. are the poorfags of Europe because their industrial bases are crumbling (can't compete with China etc.) and they don't have anything much to offer in terms of knowledge and creativity. Spain specifically is in the shit right now because it was undergoing a false economic boom fuelled by overseas investment, people from the UK and Germany buying second homes there. Now that's dried up, they've got nothing left but hundreds of half-built developments and no jobs.


Europe is not a homgenous mass, and most of their trade is internal. This is why they have never been too bothered about US embargoes and such, and they have carried on trading with Cuba and selling missiles and superguns to Iraq, because it's all business at the end of the day. Europe makes guns, bombs, cars, beer, wine, food, computers, and all that other shit, and they exploit chinese and niggers, and that.


Well they are lazy and kind of entitled. It's all nice though. Europe is not better than America, it's the same, only you never see any of it. Because they keep it to themselves. Anything they produce generally they share with other EU countries, as it is tax free to do so. They don't do much export production outside mostly because only enough production for their own nation: they all have office, media or whatever jobs except the poor who are builders or plumbers which aren't bad careers for poor people. Just like America, the really poor and immigrants become bus drivers and street cleaners.

Being kinda just the same, Little Lover's So Polite

Defeat the world poster

The rest of the world... Are you even trying?

LOL