Stop worrying

I try to make friends first. I've been told women appreciate that more. I'm now starting to realize that this was a giant lie. Some men find really amazing girlfriends with whom they have fulfilling relationships. What qualities do those men have? There's a difference between growing up and changing yourself to please others.

Some things are just not visible by just looking at them. There are guys out there who are hopeless in almost every possible way who just happen to have a girlfriend. There is something about their approach or how they live that puts them on the "yes" list. It's not always obvious above things like gold diggers and conventionally handsome people.

I'm thinking more of strategies and ways to work towards relationships other than pumping weights at the gym or changing your entire personality. People want the opposite sexes to want them, not some guise that they put on. A lot of people (both skinny and fat, tall and short) seem to somehow get away with finding someone special. It's as if some major character flaw is hiding under our noses.

You are not your id. If you want girlfriend material, then you need to become boyfriend material. This may require some small changes, or even some big ones, but you will still be you. There is no need for disguises (indeed, disguises work against you in the end). But you do need to be willing to make some accommodations for the people around you.

Stop worrying so much about getting a girlfriend, it'll happen when it happens. That's not to say don't try, but don't be desperate either. There's getting your shit together, and then there's making everything you do a performance. I don't mean this in a "I'm perfect the way I am", but to make having a significant other means you're validated in the fact that someone likes you; working your ass off just for the attention of another human being is somewhat unrewarding and way too much work.

The Hard Question About Self

I do like the mantra in that image, but I think it falls short. It's better to learn how to stand in another person's shoes, then be the type of person others want to meet. Otherwise, bitter assholes who enjoy the company of other bitter assholes will stick to their guns and the next thing you know you have. I did this and now I am very knowledgeable but closed off to most people. This doesn't work if you're too self-aware.  Just because I'm aware of reality doesn't mean I make myself separate from it, I engage with life and with everyone else in it. Because unlike the majority I don't see myself as some special snowflake, but just another animal with a highly evolved brain stranded here on this mossy rock, and baby we're all on it together so we might as well work together and make the most of it.

I love being in silence but i really want to talk, i love being "myself", yet i want to be recognized, not famous but someone people can look and say: "This guy succeed on life." I follow the idea of creating your own future independent of the past, yet i seem to be chained to my past, looking and looking at it repetitively. I want to be independent, yet want someone to be able to "fall" and be held safe. I want to enjoy but i don't want to choose the wrong path. I like some things about myself. I wish I had more people to talk with and spend time with. I like who I am on the inside because I have a huge ego but I hate how I represent myself to other people.

Even if I try to think about who I "am", what does that mean? Things I like? Clothes I wear? That's who I AM? I don't know but after practicing meditation for a while I cant take this whole person hood thing serious anymore. That's a pretty hard question. I want to say that I like myself as a person, but in everyday situations I am so self conscious about my appearance/awkwardness that it just can't be true. If I had the choice to start over, forgetting everything. I'd take it. Just so I had the chance of ending up on a better path than the one I'm on now. I like myself, sure. I mean there's always room for improvement - I could be more confident, improve my image, get motivated,etc. Doesn't really make sense. I'm not really a person. A person is a human being separate from myself, with their own separate conscious experience happening. "I" am nothing more than a conscious experience, I see little more of myself than my hands at the keyboard. For the most part , although I do get intense pangs of insecurity from time to time, which are usually due to women of all things.

I don't see what you see. I don't see what my dad see, i don't see what my mom, my sister see. I don't see what the person in front of me see. And i don't think like you, or like anybody else. So as you. We are "special snowflakes". Not because we're special (we don't), but simply because we are different. We see the world by ourselves, have our own thoughts, have our different preferences. "We" are 2, one and one. We are snowflakes. No one is equal to other. There is more than just "various animals in the same planet", there are lots of one persons in the same planet. We need to work together, but do we? You may not perceive things as I do, but that is your own ego. At our essence of our being, the "being" which experiences the ego itself, that is our true selves which is not separate from others like the ego, but all one in the ground of our being. Compassion and love is the moment when one is selfless, boundless, and without ego.

I've had days where I dressed up really good for no real reason. A nice button up shirt and ironed jeans and all that just to go to my college courses. I could feel the layers of self-consciousness shed off of me as people looked at me in a slightly different tone for once. Instead of the look of awkwardness and unattractiveness, it was the complete opposite feeling from people, and you can tell instantly. Doesn't work for everyone though I guess, I don't do it every day because I feel like I'd get tired of it.

I dislike myself, I dislike most of humanity more so though. If I met myself I think I'd be very critical of myself, but also once I saw him criticizing himself I'd be sweet to him because I'd realize he's not trying to be an asshole. I think we'd at first be stand offish and awkward but once we realize we're both relying on the same insecurities we'd open up and be pretty cool with each other. Honestly, I do think I'm a pretty open person who genuinely enjoys understanding others and standing in other people's shoes, the problem with hanging out with yourself is that you really cant play off each other, you'd know too much about each other.

I, of course, have some character flaws, I can be a real friggin' drama queen, but the flip side of that is that I'm very devoted and invested emotionally in others. Human touch is really rare nowadays, but I like it when it's gentle and affectionate. There are a lot of things about me which I sometimes really like to get rid of, such as my often blunt spouts in conversations (I take it as being honest) and my sometimes egoistic thoughts and ways. But nobody is perfect. And what I've achieved so far is pretty nice. I honestly think my computer set up, custom-upgraded sport-touring motorcycle, my music taste, and my somewhat diverse base of experience are pretty badass for my age, and I normally can contribute to any conversation that is open to a group. I'm also making a career choice that I feel is philosophically in-line with my persona, capabilities, and desire for physical health and mental adeptness.

Every now and then someone will thank me and remind me of the support, help and change I have brought to them; it makes me smile briefly but I still wish I could have done better. I do what I can to understand people and everything I can to help those few I care about but I can't live on that and I always think I could have done it better than I did if only I had been that bit better myself. I still view myself as far below what the standard should be and am depressed at how far below me so many are. I dislike my past self, but I am warming up to my current self. I matured a lot in the recent years, and while I am not satisfied yet, I get closer every year.  No, not even a little. Hell, I don't even have any friends so at least I know everyone else doesn't like me either. Who am i as a person, anyway?

Its actually an awareness of more than just whats going on socially. I understand this kind of perspective on life is scary and uncomfortable to your ego. Rest assured you are not missing anything. You should relax and watch some television, everything will be alright.

Keep the body busy while the brain sorts itself out

Feeling over the hill lately, I hope that I am not alone. 

I need to stop romanticizing myself. A great deal of people lose it in their 20s. It will happen to us all. The years just kind of sneak up on you. One day you are 19 then you are 25 then you are 30 then you're 35. I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be 40. What's it like living once in your 30s and still lonely? I'm feeling miserable enough as it is already in my mid 20s, please, I need someone to tell me it gets better as I get older. 

I always find myself comparing my age to those of people in novels, movies and animes, I'm always bummed out when they're younger than me cause they have such awesome lives and I have shit. I guess I'm just more jealous of the fact that they are usually very disciplined and hard working, they're putting all that youthful energy to good use while I'm sitting around depressed. I want to be able to look back on my younger days with pride. I just turned 26 this month. I feel like the window of opportunity closes once you're no longer a teen. We've passed into the land of desperation. We have only but to endure this. It hasnt happened before, why now? Why I think I am better with girls now then with 16? Do I think chicks are easier then when I were 16? Maybe the thing that gets easier is the acceptance of what you really are. Maybe it helps if I find other things to live for, but the biological imperative never stops shrieking in the back of my mind. 

 This is weird for me because I don't feel unsatisfied in my relationship. I may need to evaluate my relationship (whether it is everything I wanted). If so, it's not worth ruining over a very temporary high. Imagine roles reversed. I understand that women instinctively go after men who are taken. As long as the dude are taken, women will hit on him, sometimes. That's just the way it is. You always want what you can't have unfortunately. I still kind of feel the same about someone who I met and wasn't interested. But I realized there are just too many awesome people in the world to spend all your energy on one person. You are very likely idolizing this person and ignoring whatever negative qualities she had. 

I want her to like me for who I am and not who I have to pretend to be. Now if one keep having to pretend to be someone else, maybe the way he act naturally are just sucks. Instead of pretending to be different, I am actually be different. But I think the real question is whether one have a problem with the real him, not so much the girl. And I'd say: No, I have no problems with myself. A pretty girl by default is a celebrity in society's eyes so she'll get more attention. No one wants to follow a guy, he needs to earn that by becoming famous or popular. Back to this emotional turbulence, every single action seems to be some calculated move to try and have someone love me for who I am. But as I delve further, I become less and less myself until I explode into a huge rage of frustration. One the other note, cup of warm coffee has a nice thing going on.

So go work on yourself.

Life is transient.

Your family dies, your friends move on, you move house, your marriage ends, your children move out to form their own lives, your job changes, the seasons change... Everything changes, it comes and goes and nothing lasts. The only constant in your life is you. People attract those similar to themselves, so when you level up yourself and your lifestyle. you attract those who are also higher. "We completed each other" - this is a problem. One should be complete without a relationship, then one is free to enjoy it without neediness, and crushing loneliness when it ends.

So just work on yourself and you'll get a better chance.