The Hard Question About Self

I do like the mantra in that image, but I think it falls short. It's better to learn how to stand in another person's shoes, then be the type of person others want to meet. Otherwise, bitter assholes who enjoy the company of other bitter assholes will stick to their guns and the next thing you know you have. I did this and now I am very knowledgeable but closed off to most people. This doesn't work if you're too self-aware.  Just because I'm aware of reality doesn't mean I make myself separate from it, I engage with life and with everyone else in it. Because unlike the majority I don't see myself as some special snowflake, but just another animal with a highly evolved brain stranded here on this mossy rock, and baby we're all on it together so we might as well work together and make the most of it.

I love being in silence but i really want to talk, i love being "myself", yet i want to be recognized, not famous but someone people can look and say: "This guy succeed on life." I follow the idea of creating your own future independent of the past, yet i seem to be chained to my past, looking and looking at it repetitively. I want to be independent, yet want someone to be able to "fall" and be held safe. I want to enjoy but i don't want to choose the wrong path. I like some things about myself. I wish I had more people to talk with and spend time with. I like who I am on the inside because I have a huge ego but I hate how I represent myself to other people.

Even if I try to think about who I "am", what does that mean? Things I like? Clothes I wear? That's who I AM? I don't know but after practicing meditation for a while I cant take this whole person hood thing serious anymore. That's a pretty hard question. I want to say that I like myself as a person, but in everyday situations I am so self conscious about my appearance/awkwardness that it just can't be true. If I had the choice to start over, forgetting everything. I'd take it. Just so I had the chance of ending up on a better path than the one I'm on now. I like myself, sure. I mean there's always room for improvement - I could be more confident, improve my image, get motivated,etc. Doesn't really make sense. I'm not really a person. A person is a human being separate from myself, with their own separate conscious experience happening. "I" am nothing more than a conscious experience, I see little more of myself than my hands at the keyboard. For the most part , although I do get intense pangs of insecurity from time to time, which are usually due to women of all things.

I don't see what you see. I don't see what my dad see, i don't see what my mom, my sister see. I don't see what the person in front of me see. And i don't think like you, or like anybody else. So as you. We are "special snowflakes". Not because we're special (we don't), but simply because we are different. We see the world by ourselves, have our own thoughts, have our different preferences. "We" are 2, one and one. We are snowflakes. No one is equal to other. There is more than just "various animals in the same planet", there are lots of one persons in the same planet. We need to work together, but do we? You may not perceive things as I do, but that is your own ego. At our essence of our being, the "being" which experiences the ego itself, that is our true selves which is not separate from others like the ego, but all one in the ground of our being. Compassion and love is the moment when one is selfless, boundless, and without ego.

I've had days where I dressed up really good for no real reason. A nice button up shirt and ironed jeans and all that just to go to my college courses. I could feel the layers of self-consciousness shed off of me as people looked at me in a slightly different tone for once. Instead of the look of awkwardness and unattractiveness, it was the complete opposite feeling from people, and you can tell instantly. Doesn't work for everyone though I guess, I don't do it every day because I feel like I'd get tired of it.

I dislike myself, I dislike most of humanity more so though. If I met myself I think I'd be very critical of myself, but also once I saw him criticizing himself I'd be sweet to him because I'd realize he's not trying to be an asshole. I think we'd at first be stand offish and awkward but once we realize we're both relying on the same insecurities we'd open up and be pretty cool with each other. Honestly, I do think I'm a pretty open person who genuinely enjoys understanding others and standing in other people's shoes, the problem with hanging out with yourself is that you really cant play off each other, you'd know too much about each other.

I, of course, have some character flaws, I can be a real friggin' drama queen, but the flip side of that is that I'm very devoted and invested emotionally in others. Human touch is really rare nowadays, but I like it when it's gentle and affectionate. There are a lot of things about me which I sometimes really like to get rid of, such as my often blunt spouts in conversations (I take it as being honest) and my sometimes egoistic thoughts and ways. But nobody is perfect. And what I've achieved so far is pretty nice. I honestly think my computer set up, custom-upgraded sport-touring motorcycle, my music taste, and my somewhat diverse base of experience are pretty badass for my age, and I normally can contribute to any conversation that is open to a group. I'm also making a career choice that I feel is philosophically in-line with my persona, capabilities, and desire for physical health and mental adeptness.

Every now and then someone will thank me and remind me of the support, help and change I have brought to them; it makes me smile briefly but I still wish I could have done better. I do what I can to understand people and everything I can to help those few I care about but I can't live on that and I always think I could have done it better than I did if only I had been that bit better myself. I still view myself as far below what the standard should be and am depressed at how far below me so many are. I dislike my past self, but I am warming up to my current self. I matured a lot in the recent years, and while I am not satisfied yet, I get closer every year.  No, not even a little. Hell, I don't even have any friends so at least I know everyone else doesn't like me either. Who am i as a person, anyway?

Its actually an awareness of more than just whats going on socially. I understand this kind of perspective on life is scary and uncomfortable to your ego. Rest assured you are not missing anything. You should relax and watch some television, everything will be alright.

Stories of money and how people spend it (Part I)

I know people who buy new phones, televisions, go on holidays, when they still owe money. I mean they make a fine salary in terms of the average, but their money just goes. Aren't people able to live tight because it depresses them or something? Why do so many people live beyond their means? Were human beings ever good? The reason America is in an economic downturn at the moment because people buy shit they don't need or can't afford. Because we're condition to think that buying shit makes us happy. It doesn't. Buy houses well above their income. Banks have to foreclose when they can't pay their mortgage. Also, for many people, having visible status symbols like a nice car, big TV, vacations are pretty important. Nothing wrong with that, though. It's great to have stuff.

No one wants to work and only be able to afford food and scrape by and survive. Because the point of living would be just to work to feed and shelter yourself. But there needs to be some kind of balance. People who aren't well off buy iPhone 3G. Fine, it's a bit expensive but no problem. Then then the iPhone 4 comes out, the rush out and buy that too. Why do they need to do this? What is wrong with iphone3G which is only 2 years old? The iPhone developers are upgrading something when they probably have a lot of other bills and expenses to think about. Capitalism is about productivity and volumes of products. Businesses do all they can to move as much product as possible. Where that means creating a culture of idiotic consumption, they will do so. American debt based economy ridden in easy credit, predatory loans, fiat currency, rampant inflation, etc. Most people are completely retarded with economics, which doesn't help.

Blaming an economic system instead of people who live beyond their means is the answer I always hear and it's a cop out.

1. The average person is taught no budgeting skills and a line of credit allows them to overspend perpetually
2. The average person being fucking retarded doesnt help either
3. Money is the worst thing humanity has ever invented next to crack and AIDS

It's funny because I used to think when I was an undergrad that when I got my fancy ecoonomics degree and started making tons of money, I'd be happy living in a crappy apartment and saving my money for a cool car. It turns out the expenses always scale up with your income. No cool car for me yet but at least I could eat sushi twice a week. Social status, upholding appearances, makes me feel better about myself, etc. If I was going to work just to pay off debts and bills I would just kill myself. The best thing I could do for anyone is recommend Economics In One Lesson by Henry Hazlitt.

If people can afford their wants what's so wrong about it? Why must I feel this urge to judge/ criticize others for such arbitrary reasons? Perhaps it is people like me who are the reason humanity is turning to shit.

lost and found

I like a new beginning. I always like a new beginning. There is something, this feeling of most welcome and reborn for every time I start creating changes that I believe shall reproduce my inner self. I need to start this blog to believe in myself again (as many times I have betrayed my consciousness that I am so depend on the sticky yellow notes). I am pursuing the silent self that I have shut for the last three months. Then I realize the only way to help myself is to separate my two egos.

Though it is more important than ever to keep connections alive. I have to find a rock, which can serve as a grounding force in my life. I have ignoring my social calendar for so long, it has a lot of holes in it. I can not think any possibilty to fill the holes. Don't know what is holding me from calling up a friend who's been waiting for a date. This summer vacation will ends with what I really need: get back in touch with family and tell them on how I've been.

Since last saturday I have been reading my 2006 journal book, (which apparently has lost its cover).
I want to be my happy intelect self again.

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