Beautiful When Anything Has Purity

I'm uglier than him and uglier than her, right now that makes me feel hideous. Even girls on my level don't want guy like me. I'm the invisible kind of ugly. Fuck, I feel terrible like I just want to end everything right now but I can't because I don't see her in person for awhile. I'm just so tired of feeling like the ugly hidden boy friend the hot girl keeps since her hot bf left her.

I kept thinking you'd reply. I kept thinking you'd try to contact me. But you didn't and you won't. You give a fuck about me and I doubt you ever did. I wish I could stop thinking about you. I wish I could let it go. I can't go anywhere I know you might be without feeling like an anxiety-ridden wreck. I fear I'd turn to stone if I ever saw you again, and I'd have a breakdown if I saw you with another man. I'm so fucking guilt-ridden. I'm so sorry for everything I put you through.

I can understand of you don't want a relationship, and that you thought of me as a friend, but it still hurt. Mainly because I knew it already, I thought about how you likely wanted to be free and not tied down and that's why I never wanted to bother you with asking about it. 

I like you so, so much, and I don't want to say the other word because I'm scared that you'll only end up falling for someone else and leaving me behind and that would hurt even more. I wish I could hurry up with saving so I could finally see you, but I have to get better too. I have to finish getting my degree and getting a better job. Not just because I want to be with you but for me.

I really enjoyed the fact that we were able to talk few days ago. When I said I missed that I really meant it. As you're aware we don't hear from you much. I love and crave talking about those sort of things with you. Messiness caused by absence and miscommunication wears on me. In any case, I don't know if you were catching on to what I was alluding to..

I really do want to talk to you more, but for you working seems to take up most of your time and thinking takes up most of mine. Just know that I'm always thinking of you and hope you take care.

Short Note by the end of Ramadan

I constantly feel like there are bugs crawling all over me and stuff is touching me and there's a loud ringing once in a while. I've asked some people and they said it could be schizophrenia but I don't think that I could have schizophrenia. A little restless, keeping busy however I can. Current distraction: trying to learn stuff about Money Market but no idea where to start. I miss my girlfriend, SPI very much. I'm disappointed at my life, my writing skills and basically the way the world works and what it makes people think and do.

I'm upset at the way my mother has been treating me. She knows she is neglecting me because we've talked about SPI a few times, but it never changes and I get nothing. I hate bringing it up to my mother because I've done it already several times, but the next time I do I'll probably end what I have. I won't do that until I'm ready to let my love out of my life. It breaks my heart to think SPI probably won't be in my life anymore. At least I am ready to make that decision if the time comes.

I also hate my family and blame them for my social backwardness for raising me in a way that made sexual encounters a massive taboo without marriage. I live in a small place, and people in my family are stuck up ignorant rich pieces of shit so I don't have much chance.

I want to have my own business but im not even motivated to start. Not only that, i feel like i hit my creative peak at 16, and it has been down hill since then. Too tired to do anything, too bored to sleep. but how can you be too bored to sleep? I find myself sleeping a lot when Im bored.

Ignore them

A self-righteous person is not someone whom you should try to impress. The first  week of April already has passed, what I have gained so far in my office? I am willing to give time to projects other than my own but most of my gestures are not commented upon, not even noted. I want to look for direct praise, I have to find a way to point subtly to my extra effort. ..honestly I have been suspecting of those who wish to derail my good intentions, I learned from the last time of my missing performance evaluation.

Nothing is sharp and clearly defined lately, and I am not expecting too much of clarity to arise. Fortunately, I have notice that dealing with ambiguity is something of a specialty of mine.

Emotional upheaval distracting me from a bigger problem. I won't let this drama get in the way of helping her who really needs my help. My partnership with RE is based on give and take. Right now I understand that RE needs to be on the receiving end. I try to let her know that she can count on me, and I am eager to give my love to her freely.

I cannot stop beating myself up. My problem is that I can't be clear about what I want, everything else quite as well. I know that isn't a crime for this inability to decide where I want to go next. This current fuzzy perspective is making trivial issues look like real problems. Making real problems look like simple things.. Maybe if I make trivial tasks my priority things will just work themselves out..

Why do you need motivation if you're already happy?

I'm hoping to get some freelance work. I just had a conversation with my friends, mom, all high about why I don't have a job, and haven't even been looking for one.. I guess I'm just happy with coasting through life, making just barely enough to get by, maybe doing a few odds and ends to get enough to cover bills.. Shouldn't there be something more to life? Or at least, everybody tells me so.. I want to learn some skilled trades. It's like your regular shitty day job except it pays better.

And my thoughts exactly, do what I love, and I guess hope it pays the bills. I don't exactly care about money so that I have to have tons of it. Nice things are.. nice, but not necessary. To hell with that I do exactly what I am comfortable with.

I wanted to be the very best

1) What did you want to be when you were little?
Doing my father's job

B) What are you?
Aimless unemployed 22 year old with chinese cartoon addiction.

But at least now I am in a relationship with a woman I can depend on.

The go and about then still lost many

Reviewed my credit and ATM cards statement letter, and take a long look at them. They are definitely not quite as sound as I like them to be. I wish I couldn't wreak any more havoc on them. Even the last month's shopping isn't that much of a drain, but I have to admit it is a bit of complete unreasonable finance charges. What even more of a bad move is that yesterday I forget to pay some bills of my mother's Macys account twice. Knowing that my mom hates "late fee charges", she will lecture me about it again when she review the charge account. So now I have to resist buying anything else for this matter.

I have found myself to be an 'impulse shopper'-- no doubt about it. Usually I only buying goods that are sentimental things or warm and fuzzy things. Lately however, I am far more interested in getting what I want. What I want .... It's an entirely new concept, isn't it?

Anyway, I am also not usually all that tough to talk into playing peacekeeper even if I feel strongly about something, mainly because I would rather be cooperative than cause contention. There is an internal issue in the office where I am working that I don't need to know, but it does very concern me. The issue develops into a series of question of my identity, or should I say what role do I play in the office. Well, guess what? At this particular moment in time, any skills I am possessing will be in extremely irrelevant. My mission right now is to find a solution between my personal choice and what other people expect of me. No other way than just to do it.

Most of my days are spent being immersed in business and numbers, so why not let myself doing some lone creative thinking? I really want to clear the air out, and I ought to prepare to do just that. On the other hand I believe I have to turn each and every word I say into a firm, grounded statement and that goes double for emotional subjects-- do not allow people to present my personality. There's no time like the present for me to call that 'special relationship' meeting I have been mulling over. Wonder if I will feel much better after make every necessary call.. Will I find any outlets to pick just the right one and get along with?