Adult

I'm an Indonesian that has only lived in US as a "foreign" country, so I can't speak to the experience of entering a totally different culture (other than moving to HongKong back in 1992 but then I was 6 years old, can't remember much). For some people, adulthood came about at age 25. I suspect it's different for everyone. I do know people that got there much sooner, usually because of family issues. Adulthood is less about confidence and more about realizing that everyone is varying degrees of lost or self-deluded. Very, very few people have a realistic idea of where they're going in life and how they're actually doing. These self-doubts have to be acknowledged and pushed past as the last barrier to living the life you want to.   I guess this is the answer was what I expected but not what I wanted to hear. I will just have to force myself then something might click.

Was there ever a time in your life where you realised that you were an adult? Actually feeling like an adult. Capable and responsible for shit etc. I guess I don't feel confident in myself. I feel as though I'm not capable of or should not be trusted to move into adult life. I want to travel to Japan at the end of this year but I continue to have looming doubts about my ability to travel and not fuck up big time. The idea of going to a foreign country and getting around, booking shit, organizing whatever else I need seems like a far to daunting task for me to handle. Even though my Japanese should be at an acceptable level to communicate I still don't feel confident.   

I picked it up recently and want to continue because it looks good resume wise and I like the language. Honestly I would have as much doubt in myself if I was going to an English speaking country. I also have similar thoughts about me living by myself. I don't feel as though I could handle all of the extra shit that comes along with it.

If you knew me you would most likely not guess that I had self doubts like these. Honestly, I feel as though I'm more mature than most people my age and I act that way. Not like a dick, rather I think about what I'm doing before I do it; maintain a logical head etc. Today me and two colleagues (one Korean, one Chinese) were discussing the competitiveness of Asian countries, specifically Korea. They were saying, "You have to do shit yourself, you need to go out and get what you want. You can't just sit back because you will become a failure in that environment". My Korean friend, who has lived in Korea then said, "Out of all of the white people I know, you would be the only one that I think could survive in an Asian country. Most people freak out with culture shock but I know you wouldn't. You also just get shit done and don't give a fuck. You can handle a competitive society".   This resonated with me because I never realized that people viewed me as confident, capable and self sufficient. Do I just need to do something that will spark a realization? Will traveling by myself be the thing that initiates the epiphany, or will this only come in time?       

The Hard Question About Self

I do like the mantra in that image, but I think it falls short. It's better to learn how to stand in another person's shoes, then be the type of person others want to meet. Otherwise, bitter assholes who enjoy the company of other bitter assholes will stick to their guns and the next thing you know you have. I did this and now I am very knowledgeable but closed off to most people. This doesn't work if you're too self-aware.  Just because I'm aware of reality doesn't mean I make myself separate from it, I engage with life and with everyone else in it. Because unlike the majority I don't see myself as some special snowflake, but just another animal with a highly evolved brain stranded here on this mossy rock, and baby we're all on it together so we might as well work together and make the most of it.

I love being in silence but i really want to talk, i love being "myself", yet i want to be recognized, not famous but someone people can look and say: "This guy succeed on life." I follow the idea of creating your own future independent of the past, yet i seem to be chained to my past, looking and looking at it repetitively. I want to be independent, yet want someone to be able to "fall" and be held safe. I want to enjoy but i don't want to choose the wrong path. I like some things about myself. I wish I had more people to talk with and spend time with. I like who I am on the inside because I have a huge ego but I hate how I represent myself to other people.

Even if I try to think about who I "am", what does that mean? Things I like? Clothes I wear? That's who I AM? I don't know but after practicing meditation for a while I cant take this whole person hood thing serious anymore. That's a pretty hard question. I want to say that I like myself as a person, but in everyday situations I am so self conscious about my appearance/awkwardness that it just can't be true. If I had the choice to start over, forgetting everything. I'd take it. Just so I had the chance of ending up on a better path than the one I'm on now. I like myself, sure. I mean there's always room for improvement - I could be more confident, improve my image, get motivated,etc. Doesn't really make sense. I'm not really a person. A person is a human being separate from myself, with their own separate conscious experience happening. "I" am nothing more than a conscious experience, I see little more of myself than my hands at the keyboard. For the most part , although I do get intense pangs of insecurity from time to time, which are usually due to women of all things.

I don't see what you see. I don't see what my dad see, i don't see what my mom, my sister see. I don't see what the person in front of me see. And i don't think like you, or like anybody else. So as you. We are "special snowflakes". Not because we're special (we don't), but simply because we are different. We see the world by ourselves, have our own thoughts, have our different preferences. "We" are 2, one and one. We are snowflakes. No one is equal to other. There is more than just "various animals in the same planet", there are lots of one persons in the same planet. We need to work together, but do we? You may not perceive things as I do, but that is your own ego. At our essence of our being, the "being" which experiences the ego itself, that is our true selves which is not separate from others like the ego, but all one in the ground of our being. Compassion and love is the moment when one is selfless, boundless, and without ego.

I've had days where I dressed up really good for no real reason. A nice button up shirt and ironed jeans and all that just to go to my college courses. I could feel the layers of self-consciousness shed off of me as people looked at me in a slightly different tone for once. Instead of the look of awkwardness and unattractiveness, it was the complete opposite feeling from people, and you can tell instantly. Doesn't work for everyone though I guess, I don't do it every day because I feel like I'd get tired of it.

I dislike myself, I dislike most of humanity more so though. If I met myself I think I'd be very critical of myself, but also once I saw him criticizing himself I'd be sweet to him because I'd realize he's not trying to be an asshole. I think we'd at first be stand offish and awkward but once we realize we're both relying on the same insecurities we'd open up and be pretty cool with each other. Honestly, I do think I'm a pretty open person who genuinely enjoys understanding others and standing in other people's shoes, the problem with hanging out with yourself is that you really cant play off each other, you'd know too much about each other.

I, of course, have some character flaws, I can be a real friggin' drama queen, but the flip side of that is that I'm very devoted and invested emotionally in others. Human touch is really rare nowadays, but I like it when it's gentle and affectionate. There are a lot of things about me which I sometimes really like to get rid of, such as my often blunt spouts in conversations (I take it as being honest) and my sometimes egoistic thoughts and ways. But nobody is perfect. And what I've achieved so far is pretty nice. I honestly think my computer set up, custom-upgraded sport-touring motorcycle, my music taste, and my somewhat diverse base of experience are pretty badass for my age, and I normally can contribute to any conversation that is open to a group. I'm also making a career choice that I feel is philosophically in-line with my persona, capabilities, and desire for physical health and mental adeptness.

Every now and then someone will thank me and remind me of the support, help and change I have brought to them; it makes me smile briefly but I still wish I could have done better. I do what I can to understand people and everything I can to help those few I care about but I can't live on that and I always think I could have done it better than I did if only I had been that bit better myself. I still view myself as far below what the standard should be and am depressed at how far below me so many are. I dislike my past self, but I am warming up to my current self. I matured a lot in the recent years, and while I am not satisfied yet, I get closer every year.  No, not even a little. Hell, I don't even have any friends so at least I know everyone else doesn't like me either. Who am i as a person, anyway?

Its actually an awareness of more than just whats going on socially. I understand this kind of perspective on life is scary and uncomfortable to your ego. Rest assured you are not missing anything. You should relax and watch some television, everything will be alright.

Never develops in any meaningful fashion

I feel like something went awry with my life. My life has not yet begun. I am spending overtime inside of my mother's belly. It's not that bad. I successfully obtained a life that people would be jealous of. But something is missing. Is this really it? There's got to be some more meaningful life out there... More rose-colored, more sparkling. There might have been some after college life with not a single dark cloud that would have satisfied me!

I got to where I am by believing in my own potential. I am not sure I am saying it right.. but why does my heart feel so cold? Maybe there's a choice I should have made that would have led to some other possibility? Maybe the choices I made in my first year were wrong? I know I cannot use the word "possibility" without limitations. Can I become a pilot? Can I become a famous singer, or a superhero who saves the world with my powers?

Perhaps I could. But if I keep focusing my gaze on that which is unrealistic, I never will. The root of all my evil is in always relying on one of my other possibilities to get my wish. I must accept that I am the person here, now, and I cannot become anyone else other than that person. There is no way that I can lead some worthwhile life and feel satisfied.

Everything I had done had all been meaningless, but I had thought that it was the same for Mona. However, Mona had enjoyed her meaningless after college life to her heart's content, she had a boyfriend, and was even a fool in love! Was I the only one who wasted her life? Immediately after I was born, I was the incarnation of innocence. Loved as much as baby Moses was by Queen Hatshepsut. With not a hint of a wicked thought, it was said my smile would illuminate the countryside around my hometown with the light of love. And what of me now? Is this how I plan to settle my accounts, as I am? Where is the one responsible? If it will always turn out like this, then I should do nothing at all! It would be best not to set foot outside of my mother's womb!

Knowing, but not Understanding

Last week's bombing incident in front of JW Marriott and Ritz-Carlton hotels (17 July) opens the old wound. I was born and bred in Jakarta, though I spent my early childhood abroad. I feel hurt inside because the fact of the city I love so much is still unsafe (my early memory of act of terrorism is the 1998's riots of May, I was a in 5th grade). In a matter of couple weeks I will go fly back to Indonesia, and I am not ready yet. I can imagine my family and relative's expectation of me when I get home, they must have think that I have changed so much that I have been "Americanized", but I am not. I got dehumanized instead.

Every night I make a conversation with myself, (been doing this for two weeks and a half now, to keep myself company and to practice my sanity). Last night we talked about the impact of incidents that has ever happened in the city to every aspect of society that lives in. I have to admit that as a person, I am pretty apathetic. I can't even fake myself to act like I am sad. (I don't remember since when I learned to shut off my emotions- probably because this kind of incident happens a lot that I don't care anymore.) If caring is one step to maturity, I want to start being care.