Be happy about life again

I'm fit and have an average body but I'm still depressed all the time and feel like shit. Every time I see topics on depression all I hear is "go lift weights", "go for a walk in the sun" and a whole load of other useless comment. All I can think about all day is pouring petrol all over myself, handcuffing my arm to the steering wheel of my car, and setting myself on fire, and the best suggestions I can find are "ummm... going for a walk always cheers me up!".

As someone who had suffered from depression for years, I agree that it comes down to mind over matter. Forcing myself to think more positively has helped me make immense improvements in my life. And I really do mean "force", some days it feels like there's a war being fought inside my head.

One small thing I recommend to everyone is to be more thankful for everything in your life, even if it doesn't seem like much. Say it out loud--"I am thankful for [reason for being thankful]". Did you eat today? Say you're thankful that you got to eat when millions of people don't. Did something on the internet makes you laugh? Say you're thankful that something made you laugh. Finished a rough assignment or job or goal? Say you're thankful that it's over.

You know what makes me feel less depressed? My rope. I bought a 3m, 20mm diameter hemp rope; perfect for hanging myself. Every day when I feel like shit, I try to push myself one day more, try to last the week, see how much longer I can take it. Having the rope there means I know I have an exit ready and accessible if I need to use it; sort of like a safety net. So I'll keep pushing through life, trying to make it as far as I can, but I know I can get out any time; I have control over my own life, and there's comfort in that.

I know that sounds crazy and borderline OCD, but after a few days, it will change your perspective and you'll find it easier to think more positively. It will give you a stepping stone towards beating the depression entirely.

Meds fluroxetine known as prozac, causes increase in biogenic amines. Your body won't know the difference between happiness on prozacs and just feeling happy. As you become more happy you can change your life for the positive and eventually kick the meds.

I'll just stick with my own style, being deep is tiring.

50th post. Wow, just when I was starting a bit pessimistic apparently I did reach the golden line.

I hope it is understandable when I say I feel overwhelmed by the series of events happening in this week. I feel like I am doing too much, yet nothing gets done. I have been listening to some old music again (just 90s music in general, but its kinda sound old now) and I have busy myself with paying the bills and fees for the house. Neither are therapeutic nor anywhere fun. Have I been very moody? No, certainly cannot count on that. Maybe having a lot things going on my mind that cause my lack of empathy for the Haiti problem (though without making senseless ruckus here, I'd say those Haitian people get their help mad easy). Fun comes in the form of something a lot more exciting lately (with a lot more expense than I can imagine) but by this weekend I will have another spot blank on my lover book. I guess it's better getting sucked up into somebody else's romantic mind games.

About getting back on track. My focus and energy should be on my personal fitness and health this year. When the school starts I will try finding some time between gym time for cardio exercise again, to conflicting classes and work. Well I just hope I dont get burn out and get sick instead. I only know a few approaches to see what works best (by reading solely from last year magazine). I am not afraid to fail during the process, only what usually happen is that I get bored myself; I hate it when that happens! The spanish language I am so excited to learn still takes its break-- I hope that it is still in my best interest. Glad, at least I already got through to half of the first chapter. And, gotta remind myself to check in with my programme again in February.