Adult

I'm an Indonesian that has only lived in US as a "foreign" country, so I can't speak to the experience of entering a totally different culture (other than moving to HongKong back in 1992 but then I was 6 years old, can't remember much). For some people, adulthood came about at age 25. I suspect it's different for everyone. I do know people that got there much sooner, usually because of family issues. Adulthood is less about confidence and more about realizing that everyone is varying degrees of lost or self-deluded. Very, very few people have a realistic idea of where they're going in life and how they're actually doing. These self-doubts have to be acknowledged and pushed past as the last barrier to living the life you want to.   I guess this is the answer was what I expected but not what I wanted to hear. I will just have to force myself then something might click.

Was there ever a time in your life where you realised that you were an adult? Actually feeling like an adult. Capable and responsible for shit etc. I guess I don't feel confident in myself. I feel as though I'm not capable of or should not be trusted to move into adult life. I want to travel to Japan at the end of this year but I continue to have looming doubts about my ability to travel and not fuck up big time. The idea of going to a foreign country and getting around, booking shit, organizing whatever else I need seems like a far to daunting task for me to handle. Even though my Japanese should be at an acceptable level to communicate I still don't feel confident.   

I picked it up recently and want to continue because it looks good resume wise and I like the language. Honestly I would have as much doubt in myself if I was going to an English speaking country. I also have similar thoughts about me living by myself. I don't feel as though I could handle all of the extra shit that comes along with it.

If you knew me you would most likely not guess that I had self doubts like these. Honestly, I feel as though I'm more mature than most people my age and I act that way. Not like a dick, rather I think about what I'm doing before I do it; maintain a logical head etc. Today me and two colleagues (one Korean, one Chinese) were discussing the competitiveness of Asian countries, specifically Korea. They were saying, "You have to do shit yourself, you need to go out and get what you want. You can't just sit back because you will become a failure in that environment". My Korean friend, who has lived in Korea then said, "Out of all of the white people I know, you would be the only one that I think could survive in an Asian country. Most people freak out with culture shock but I know you wouldn't. You also just get shit done and don't give a fuck. You can handle a competitive society".   This resonated with me because I never realized that people viewed me as confident, capable and self sufficient. Do I just need to do something that will spark a realization? Will traveling by myself be the thing that initiates the epiphany, or will this only come in time?       

The Hard Question About Self

I do like the mantra in that image, but I think it falls short. It's better to learn how to stand in another person's shoes, then be the type of person others want to meet. Otherwise, bitter assholes who enjoy the company of other bitter assholes will stick to their guns and the next thing you know you have. I did this and now I am very knowledgeable but closed off to most people. This doesn't work if you're too self-aware.  Just because I'm aware of reality doesn't mean I make myself separate from it, I engage with life and with everyone else in it. Because unlike the majority I don't see myself as some special snowflake, but just another animal with a highly evolved brain stranded here on this mossy rock, and baby we're all on it together so we might as well work together and make the most of it.

I love being in silence but i really want to talk, i love being "myself", yet i want to be recognized, not famous but someone people can look and say: "This guy succeed on life." I follow the idea of creating your own future independent of the past, yet i seem to be chained to my past, looking and looking at it repetitively. I want to be independent, yet want someone to be able to "fall" and be held safe. I want to enjoy but i don't want to choose the wrong path. I like some things about myself. I wish I had more people to talk with and spend time with. I like who I am on the inside because I have a huge ego but I hate how I represent myself to other people.

Even if I try to think about who I "am", what does that mean? Things I like? Clothes I wear? That's who I AM? I don't know but after practicing meditation for a while I cant take this whole person hood thing serious anymore. That's a pretty hard question. I want to say that I like myself as a person, but in everyday situations I am so self conscious about my appearance/awkwardness that it just can't be true. If I had the choice to start over, forgetting everything. I'd take it. Just so I had the chance of ending up on a better path than the one I'm on now. I like myself, sure. I mean there's always room for improvement - I could be more confident, improve my image, get motivated,etc. Doesn't really make sense. I'm not really a person. A person is a human being separate from myself, with their own separate conscious experience happening. "I" am nothing more than a conscious experience, I see little more of myself than my hands at the keyboard. For the most part , although I do get intense pangs of insecurity from time to time, which are usually due to women of all things.

I don't see what you see. I don't see what my dad see, i don't see what my mom, my sister see. I don't see what the person in front of me see. And i don't think like you, or like anybody else. So as you. We are "special snowflakes". Not because we're special (we don't), but simply because we are different. We see the world by ourselves, have our own thoughts, have our different preferences. "We" are 2, one and one. We are snowflakes. No one is equal to other. There is more than just "various animals in the same planet", there are lots of one persons in the same planet. We need to work together, but do we? You may not perceive things as I do, but that is your own ego. At our essence of our being, the "being" which experiences the ego itself, that is our true selves which is not separate from others like the ego, but all one in the ground of our being. Compassion and love is the moment when one is selfless, boundless, and without ego.

I've had days where I dressed up really good for no real reason. A nice button up shirt and ironed jeans and all that just to go to my college courses. I could feel the layers of self-consciousness shed off of me as people looked at me in a slightly different tone for once. Instead of the look of awkwardness and unattractiveness, it was the complete opposite feeling from people, and you can tell instantly. Doesn't work for everyone though I guess, I don't do it every day because I feel like I'd get tired of it.

I dislike myself, I dislike most of humanity more so though. If I met myself I think I'd be very critical of myself, but also once I saw him criticizing himself I'd be sweet to him because I'd realize he's not trying to be an asshole. I think we'd at first be stand offish and awkward but once we realize we're both relying on the same insecurities we'd open up and be pretty cool with each other. Honestly, I do think I'm a pretty open person who genuinely enjoys understanding others and standing in other people's shoes, the problem with hanging out with yourself is that you really cant play off each other, you'd know too much about each other.

I, of course, have some character flaws, I can be a real friggin' drama queen, but the flip side of that is that I'm very devoted and invested emotionally in others. Human touch is really rare nowadays, but I like it when it's gentle and affectionate. There are a lot of things about me which I sometimes really like to get rid of, such as my often blunt spouts in conversations (I take it as being honest) and my sometimes egoistic thoughts and ways. But nobody is perfect. And what I've achieved so far is pretty nice. I honestly think my computer set up, custom-upgraded sport-touring motorcycle, my music taste, and my somewhat diverse base of experience are pretty badass for my age, and I normally can contribute to any conversation that is open to a group. I'm also making a career choice that I feel is philosophically in-line with my persona, capabilities, and desire for physical health and mental adeptness.

Every now and then someone will thank me and remind me of the support, help and change I have brought to them; it makes me smile briefly but I still wish I could have done better. I do what I can to understand people and everything I can to help those few I care about but I can't live on that and I always think I could have done it better than I did if only I had been that bit better myself. I still view myself as far below what the standard should be and am depressed at how far below me so many are. I dislike my past self, but I am warming up to my current self. I matured a lot in the recent years, and while I am not satisfied yet, I get closer every year.  No, not even a little. Hell, I don't even have any friends so at least I know everyone else doesn't like me either. Who am i as a person, anyway?

Its actually an awareness of more than just whats going on socially. I understand this kind of perspective on life is scary and uncomfortable to your ego. Rest assured you are not missing anything. You should relax and watch some television, everything will be alright.

People who follow the news feel like this every day

In a world of animals it's only the most ruthless who survive. It's been proven time and time again. The repercussions for those who don't fight is a hollow existence. I have read the articles about animals using simple tools to make their tasks easier. I realize that all animals have the ability to reason; at least to some degree. Humans are the only animals that can reason to such a degree; in the same way that cheetahs are the fastest runners, and that giraffes can reach higher than any other.

The sad truth is, that those of our ancestor, that weren't violent aren't really our ancestors because they were killed by the violent ones. So it's human nature (all of the animal's world actually) to kill and exploit the other guy. There's little we can do about it. My dream is to find an occupation that enables me to live away from it all and not follow the media. The only point I was trying to make is that we have developed technologies due to our incredibly superior intellectual abilities and capacities. I realize the aggression and emotional, psychological displays are observed often in other species, but no other species has the capability to understand calculus, no matter how we tried to have them understand.

Humans and animals have the same biological demands, but the difference between humans and animals is the fact that we have the capacity to demolish mountains, destroy the world by pressing a single button, bend our genetic code, alter the biological functions of our bodies originally intended by nature, and more. No other animal is capable of this. Do you see cows building guns? Do you see chimps erecting skyscrapers?

At the end of the day when I looked at things like rape or genocide up close they never lacked humanity; on the other hand, they were usually tremendously human acts that revealed the depth of the connections between people and their human agency, and no matter how much I think about it, there's nothing more meaningful than that spark of agency, that will and intent perhaps more animal than human yet something I'd throw away my humanity for in a second.

If we are, it's because people sit around pissing and moaning about how terrible things are without doing anything. The world doesn't change overnight, so don't expect to wake up one day to rainbows shooting out of people's asses. If you want to make the world a better place then find one problem that you as an individual can actually help with and apply yourself. You don't demand the world's problems be fixed, you go out and offer to help fix them.

About starting fresh, not just leaving marks

I was born a century and a half too late for real world adventure and and two centuries too early for space exploration.

Not everyone is cut out to be a pioneer but it certainly would be and amazing experience. An expedition in freedom. Now I wish that I was born to be of age in the 1880-90s and get on a boat to some European colony. A short brown asian male wearing Khakis and a panama hat directing indigenous workers on some civil works project. Or to be a merchant marine transporting cinnamon from the Dutch colony of Cylon.

There might be a colony on Mars in our lifetimes, but there sure as hell won't be arable land yet, nor will there be cheap transportation for any down-on-his-luck man who wants to go. It won't be the kind of open, free-to-the-public settlement that can really provide us with what we need.

I moved a continent away, to a land where I didn't know anyone, where I couldn't even work. Over the years I've pulled myself up from my own boot straps, sorting out the right papers, making a home for myself, finding work, keeping myself fed. I came here with nothing and through the power of my own will suffered through homelessness, shared living, and finally self-sufficiency.

I wanted to be the very best

1) What did you want to be when you were little?
Doing my father's job

B) What are you?
Aimless unemployed 22 year old with chinese cartoon addiction.

But at least now I am in a relationship with a woman I can depend on.

Death instinct

What makes one think that there is anything wrong with himself/ herself?

Do people feel better doing the things he /she want to do, rather than the things others are telling them to do?

The world population is coming up on 7,000,000,000. You are worthless. I am worthless. 99% of us are worthless. There is nothing you nor I will ever do that will make any sort of difference to society or the world. So, stop telling people that just because they will never contribute to society that they are losers.

American mentality keeps people thinking everyone is special. They bring us up thinking that somehow we matter to the world, and that we aren't just resource wasters.

I tell myself that I should just do whatever the fuck I want while I still have time to do so. Escapist entertainment is the best!