Beautiful When Anything Has Purity

I'm uglier than him and uglier than her, right now that makes me feel hideous. Even girls on my level don't want guy like me. I'm the invisible kind of ugly. Fuck, I feel terrible like I just want to end everything right now but I can't because I don't see her in person for awhile. I'm just so tired of feeling like the ugly hidden boy friend the hot girl keeps since her hot bf left her.

I kept thinking you'd reply. I kept thinking you'd try to contact me. But you didn't and you won't. You give a fuck about me and I doubt you ever did. I wish I could stop thinking about you. I wish I could let it go. I can't go anywhere I know you might be without feeling like an anxiety-ridden wreck. I fear I'd turn to stone if I ever saw you again, and I'd have a breakdown if I saw you with another man. I'm so fucking guilt-ridden. I'm so sorry for everything I put you through.

I can understand of you don't want a relationship, and that you thought of me as a friend, but it still hurt. Mainly because I knew it already, I thought about how you likely wanted to be free and not tied down and that's why I never wanted to bother you with asking about it. 

I like you so, so much, and I don't want to say the other word because I'm scared that you'll only end up falling for someone else and leaving me behind and that would hurt even more. I wish I could hurry up with saving so I could finally see you, but I have to get better too. I have to finish getting my degree and getting a better job. Not just because I want to be with you but for me.

I really enjoyed the fact that we were able to talk few days ago. When I said I missed that I really meant it. As you're aware we don't hear from you much. I love and crave talking about those sort of things with you. Messiness caused by absence and miscommunication wears on me. In any case, I don't know if you were catching on to what I was alluding to..

I really do want to talk to you more, but for you working seems to take up most of your time and thinking takes up most of mine. Just know that I'm always thinking of you and hope you take care.