About starting fresh, not just leaving marks

I was born a century and a half too late for real world adventure and and two centuries too early for space exploration.

Not everyone is cut out to be a pioneer but it certainly would be and amazing experience. An expedition in freedom. Now I wish that I was born to be of age in the 1880-90s and get on a boat to some European colony. A short brown asian male wearing Khakis and a panama hat directing indigenous workers on some civil works project. Or to be a merchant marine transporting cinnamon from the Dutch colony of Cylon.

There might be a colony on Mars in our lifetimes, but there sure as hell won't be arable land yet, nor will there be cheap transportation for any down-on-his-luck man who wants to go. It won't be the kind of open, free-to-the-public settlement that can really provide us with what we need.

I moved a continent away, to a land where I didn't know anyone, where I couldn't even work. Over the years I've pulled myself up from my own boot straps, sorting out the right papers, making a home for myself, finding work, keeping myself fed. I came here with nothing and through the power of my own will suffered through homelessness, shared living, and finally self-sufficiency.

The go and about then still lost many

Reviewed my credit and ATM cards statement letter, and take a long look at them. They are definitely not quite as sound as I like them to be. I wish I couldn't wreak any more havoc on them. Even the last month's shopping isn't that much of a drain, but I have to admit it is a bit of complete unreasonable finance charges. What even more of a bad move is that yesterday I forget to pay some bills of my mother's Macys account twice. Knowing that my mom hates "late fee charges", she will lecture me about it again when she review the charge account. So now I have to resist buying anything else for this matter.

I have found myself to be an 'impulse shopper'-- no doubt about it. Usually I only buying goods that are sentimental things or warm and fuzzy things. Lately however, I am far more interested in getting what I want. What I want .... It's an entirely new concept, isn't it?

Anyway, I am also not usually all that tough to talk into playing peacekeeper even if I feel strongly about something, mainly because I would rather be cooperative than cause contention. There is an internal issue in the office where I am working that I don't need to know, but it does very concern me. The issue develops into a series of question of my identity, or should I say what role do I play in the office. Well, guess what? At this particular moment in time, any skills I am possessing will be in extremely irrelevant. My mission right now is to find a solution between my personal choice and what other people expect of me. No other way than just to do it.

Most of my days are spent being immersed in business and numbers, so why not let myself doing some lone creative thinking? I really want to clear the air out, and I ought to prepare to do just that. On the other hand I believe I have to turn each and every word I say into a firm, grounded statement and that goes double for emotional subjects-- do not allow people to present my personality. There's no time like the present for me to call that 'special relationship' meeting I have been mulling over. Wonder if I will feel much better after make every necessary call.. Will I find any outlets to pick just the right one and get along with?