Seishun Kyousoukyoku - Youth Rhapsody

I don't know if comfort is the appropriate term for me. Humor would be a better description, I often find myself laughing at how pathetic my life has become. Especially when it becomes very evident, I suddenly feel joy and I burst out in laughter for no apparent reason. It must probably be because I am unaware of the fact that the person's life that's being ruined, is indeed my own, and not some stranger of whom I barely know. But that's what it feels like. My mind doesn't want to acknowledge it, and neither do I. There might be something wrong with me.

At the start it was for a few days, then in grew to weeks of ups and downs. I can say that I know that feel though mine is more of a comfort in apathy. Truly not caring about some things in life creates a feeling of being content with life. It may create more average experiences, but if all you have known is misery, than anything above it will feel refreshing.

I go on cycles of depression. Sometimes I feel like I'll break the chain, but there I am again, wishing to die and then feeling like a superstar a week later. although it makes me feel like I don't have depression at all. Honestly, I probably don't have depression, but more like some pessimistic delusions. 

I used to had severe depression when I was study abroad, it ruined my life. I got out of it somehow and got my life on the right track. Recently I had a few days where I felt low due to various reasons. How I felt reminded me of my depression, and I was sort of happy to be like that, it felt stable. I don't know if I'm afraid of trying and failure or that I have something wrong with me besides the depressive tendencies. Maybe it just gives reason to my life.

Making new friend when depressed

Depression studies have shown that extroversion staves off depression faster than any behavioral method. It sounds odd and impossible making friends will be your best bet. Difficult life situations make seeing life in a different life nearly impossible, but your behavior will change your affect if you stick with it. Instead of addressing issues singularly, try attack multiples with certain activities. Also try new things.

Making friends isn't easy, but it's not impossible. If you find yourself inside a lot, just get outside. Go the the mall, walk around, check out shops, strike up conversations with the employees. Go to the park, dress casual and try not to look creepy, but just hang out and enjoy the sun on your face. Finding those who share interests is the easiest way. Play online games? Make online friends in those games. Coworkers show interest in certain music? Talk to them about it, and find out their other interests. 

The more practice you have with socialization, the easier talking to people will become. Once you've become comfortable talking to people, then making friends will be the next hurdle. Setting up times to hang out and finding activities of shared interest consistently is conducive to maintaining a friendship.

We all choose our friends, as much as they choose us. If you don't feel comfortable around someone, then it would be counterproductive to maintain a relationship with them. All relationships require work, as they don't simply just happen and continue. Take it one step at a time, and try not to rush it.

If you smoke, then finding others who smoke may benefit you as it is a shared interest. I made acquaintances in college because I smoked then. No shame in it. Just avoid people with serious drug problem or if they are into harder drugs than you would like to be a part of. Druggies are one issue, but pot users aren't inherently evil. 

Be happy about life again

I'm fit and have an average body but I'm still depressed all the time and feel like shit. Every time I see topics on depression all I hear is "go lift weights", "go for a walk in the sun" and a whole load of other useless comment. All I can think about all day is pouring petrol all over myself, handcuffing my arm to the steering wheel of my car, and setting myself on fire, and the best suggestions I can find are "ummm... going for a walk always cheers me up!".

As someone who had suffered from depression for years, I agree that it comes down to mind over matter. Forcing myself to think more positively has helped me make immense improvements in my life. And I really do mean "force", some days it feels like there's a war being fought inside my head.

One small thing I recommend to everyone is to be more thankful for everything in your life, even if it doesn't seem like much. Say it out loud--"I am thankful for [reason for being thankful]". Did you eat today? Say you're thankful that you got to eat when millions of people don't. Did something on the internet makes you laugh? Say you're thankful that something made you laugh. Finished a rough assignment or job or goal? Say you're thankful that it's over.

You know what makes me feel less depressed? My rope. I bought a 3m, 20mm diameter hemp rope; perfect for hanging myself. Every day when I feel like shit, I try to push myself one day more, try to last the week, see how much longer I can take it. Having the rope there means I know I have an exit ready and accessible if I need to use it; sort of like a safety net. So I'll keep pushing through life, trying to make it as far as I can, but I know I can get out any time; I have control over my own life, and there's comfort in that.

I know that sounds crazy and borderline OCD, but after a few days, it will change your perspective and you'll find it easier to think more positively. It will give you a stepping stone towards beating the depression entirely.

Meds fluroxetine known as prozac, causes increase in biogenic amines. Your body won't know the difference between happiness on prozacs and just feeling happy. As you become more happy you can change your life for the positive and eventually kick the meds.

Urge to pick up the guitar again