Seishun Kyousoukyoku - Youth Rhapsody

I don't know if comfort is the appropriate term for me. Humor would be a better description, I often find myself laughing at how pathetic my life has become. Especially when it becomes very evident, I suddenly feel joy and I burst out in laughter for no apparent reason. It must probably be because I am unaware of the fact that the person's life that's being ruined, is indeed my own, and not some stranger of whom I barely know. But that's what it feels like. My mind doesn't want to acknowledge it, and neither do I. There might be something wrong with me.

At the start it was for a few days, then in grew to weeks of ups and downs. I can say that I know that feel though mine is more of a comfort in apathy. Truly not caring about some things in life creates a feeling of being content with life. It may create more average experiences, but if all you have known is misery, than anything above it will feel refreshing.

I go on cycles of depression. Sometimes I feel like I'll break the chain, but there I am again, wishing to die and then feeling like a superstar a week later. although it makes me feel like I don't have depression at all. Honestly, I probably don't have depression, but more like some pessimistic delusions. 

I used to had severe depression when I was study abroad, it ruined my life. I got out of it somehow and got my life on the right track. Recently I had a few days where I felt low due to various reasons. How I felt reminded me of my depression, and I was sort of happy to be like that, it felt stable. I don't know if I'm afraid of trying and failure or that I have something wrong with me besides the depressive tendencies. Maybe it just gives reason to my life.