Seishun Kyousoukyoku - Youth Rhapsody

I don't know if comfort is the appropriate term for me. Humor would be a better description, I often find myself laughing at how pathetic my life has become. Especially when it becomes very evident, I suddenly feel joy and I burst out in laughter for no apparent reason. It must probably be because I am unaware of the fact that the person's life that's being ruined, is indeed my own, and not some stranger of whom I barely know. But that's what it feels like. My mind doesn't want to acknowledge it, and neither do I. There might be something wrong with me.

At the start it was for a few days, then in grew to weeks of ups and downs. I can say that I know that feel though mine is more of a comfort in apathy. Truly not caring about some things in life creates a feeling of being content with life. It may create more average experiences, but if all you have known is misery, than anything above it will feel refreshing.

I go on cycles of depression. Sometimes I feel like I'll break the chain, but there I am again, wishing to die and then feeling like a superstar a week later. although it makes me feel like I don't have depression at all. Honestly, I probably don't have depression, but more like some pessimistic delusions. 

I used to had severe depression when I was study abroad, it ruined my life. I got out of it somehow and got my life on the right track. Recently I had a few days where I felt low due to various reasons. How I felt reminded me of my depression, and I was sort of happy to be like that, it felt stable. I don't know if I'm afraid of trying and failure or that I have something wrong with me besides the depressive tendencies. Maybe it just gives reason to my life.

2013 Is About Trying To Figure Out Some Things.

May as well get it out of my chest since I never come here after the beginning of the year. And to introduce myself again: I am a well educated mid 20s clean cut guy who has never been in any kind of trouble prior to this. I am supposed to be writing a research letter for Fixed Income Obligations but I spent my Saturday night playing PS3 Naruto Generation's survival mode. I just cant stop procrastinating. :) My suggestion to myself: "Why not commit a month of my time to learn something new each week. Like spend my free time learning or doing something for a week. Eventually, I will find something I really enjoy. Then I can go from there." Hmph, I should actually try this..

Bundaran Hotel Indonesia, the iconic center of Jakarta is covered by mud colored flood.

Realized I've been boxed in from all the raining last week so I did a very depressing night of long warm shower, doing all the gay moisturising things even to my face, not a bad way to go to bed. The past week Jakarta suffered from a heavy raining, definitely one of the devastating flood inundate this city.

Today, on Sunday, I am rewatching Rurouni Kenshin (Samurai X) anime after seen the Movie Live-action last Wednesday night though unfinished and finally realized I don't have a lot of friends. I am discontent with that. Got to figure out why I holding back to make new friends in my new office, Bank Mutiara on Treasury Div. I must be doing something wrong but I just don't know what. Maybe I should share this insecurity with somebody that actually know me.

While also trying to figure out how to get over my infatuation with my current girl-friend, SPI, who I cannot exactly cut out of my life. I am really into her and she is sort of into me. But right now I technically haven't got a secure job and couldn't really afford to do anything for her, also she is attending graduate school on weekends and ignoring me most days. She never said that we had each other and I can't tell if she was very happy. I know this sounds like that retarded ass Disney movie, the one with dogs. She's not a bad person, and I really want to like her, because I was excited that we are in relationship again. Besides, she's pretty cute for her age and that makes her attractive. But it's actually a pain because I don't know if I can deal with her personality which sometimes comes out as shallow and unaware.

Meanwhile I want to set up a date on Monday to hang out with a coworker who is potential love interest. Last time I did that was about a year ago with RE which obviously ended in trustless and betrayal(She is a coworker from Ernst & Young Indonesia, public accounting firm. She is from the same division I was, audit for Banking and Financial Services clients). I am feeling like shit because there is this rich popular girl in my new office, which I am trying to think how to approach to. Thing is, thanks to destiny this girl happens to enter with me to the same division, and funnily enough, the same career. My problem is, we are complete opposites. She's confident, pretty, outgoing and has a troop of male friends behind her. She has traveled a lot and lived her life like any rich girl would. On the other hand, there is me: the mid-class self-loathing boy who grew up on video games and never accomplished anything worth shit. :(

Anyway, I'm reading Atlas Shrugged. This book is depressing. The protagonists are are emotionally distant narcissistic cunts, and everybody else is a loudmouthed blatantly stupid cunt. Brevity is a concept lost on Ayn Rand, it seems and she restates her concepts constantly throughout the book. Albeit, the concepts portrayed are simple yet profound, but the amount she needed to say it was saliently unnecessary. Why is this prose so bad? Why is this book so long? Then I realize that I was reading a book about introverts. Welcome to their mindset.

I guess it could be worse. Maybe I'll go get drunk by myself and play Skyrim instead. :)

Just a list of movies I would like to watch this year:
Science of sleep
Guest House Paradiso
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything
The Weather Man
Bunny and the Bull
The Horde

Remember Orochimaru?

You know what's great about Orochimaru? He doesn't have to punch and kick all his problems away. He has a brain. Only top tier ninja to actually earn his shit. Figured everything out with study and dedication, all while running around from hideout to hideout evading every nation out to get him. Gave a big "fuck you" to Akatsuki and kept one of their rings, they never managed to catch up to him.

Killed and impersonated the goddamn Kazekage without anyone even noticing. Further proceeded to kill the Hokage. Founded an entire new nation without anyone realizing he was the one behind it. All without the benefit of eyehax or tailed beasts. Just raw genius.

Orochimaru was a Kage level. Sasuke is nowhere near as strong, he only beat Orochimaru because he was sick and dying. Also he had to use the eyehax he was born with in combination with the cursed seal OROCHIMARU GAVE HIM to do even that. Sasuke uses the eyes he was born with, the upgraded eyes Itachi gave him, the powerful minions that Orochimaru collected and he stole, the cursed seal Orochimaru invented and gave him, the chidori Kakashi invented and gave him. Just how far can Sasuke advance if it wasn't for Orochimaru's help?

Orochimaru was also much much better than Jiraya. If Orochimaru was fighting Pein instead of Jiraiya, he might have won. Orochimaru can raise the first through fourth hokages from the dead, and I'm pretty sure 5 kage level ninjas are better than 5 of pein's fodder bodies any day. Of course Jiraiya was stronger than Orochimaru, though they were all Sannin but Orochimaru was the genius of the group.

Orochimaru replaced the Kazekage without raising suspicion, and infiltrated the chunnin exams being held in his home town disguised both as a student and as a judge and no one caught on. Jiraya tried to sneak into the rain village and blew his cover in like 5 seconds.

Also make note of how armless Orochimaru kicked Jiraya's ass when they fought. Here's a fact that even you faggot Jiraiya fanboys can't ignore: Jiraiya was almost killed by naruto's four tails.
Orochimaru owned the four tails with no arm for jutsus and while he was sick.

The only other decent character is Kakashi, he learned how to use the eye hax even if he doesn't have that much stamina and also he had a rough childhood and is not an emo like half of the main cast in Naruto.