Keep the body busy while the brain sorts itself out

Feeling over the hill lately, I hope that I am not alone. 

I need to stop romanticizing myself. A great deal of people lose it in their 20s. It will happen to us all. The years just kind of sneak up on you. One day you are 19 then you are 25 then you are 30 then you're 35. I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be 40. What's it like living once in your 30s and still lonely? I'm feeling miserable enough as it is already in my mid 20s, please, I need someone to tell me it gets better as I get older. 

I always find myself comparing my age to those of people in novels, movies and animes, I'm always bummed out when they're younger than me cause they have such awesome lives and I have shit. I guess I'm just more jealous of the fact that they are usually very disciplined and hard working, they're putting all that youthful energy to good use while I'm sitting around depressed. I want to be able to look back on my younger days with pride. I just turned 26 this month. I feel like the window of opportunity closes once you're no longer a teen. We've passed into the land of desperation. We have only but to endure this. It hasnt happened before, why now? Why I think I am better with girls now then with 16? Do I think chicks are easier then when I were 16? Maybe the thing that gets easier is the acceptance of what you really are. Maybe it helps if I find other things to live for, but the biological imperative never stops shrieking in the back of my mind. 

 This is weird for me because I don't feel unsatisfied in my relationship. I may need to evaluate my relationship (whether it is everything I wanted). If so, it's not worth ruining over a very temporary high. Imagine roles reversed. I understand that women instinctively go after men who are taken. As long as the dude are taken, women will hit on him, sometimes. That's just the way it is. You always want what you can't have unfortunately. I still kind of feel the same about someone who I met and wasn't interested. But I realized there are just too many awesome people in the world to spend all your energy on one person. You are very likely idolizing this person and ignoring whatever negative qualities she had. 

I want her to like me for who I am and not who I have to pretend to be. Now if one keep having to pretend to be someone else, maybe the way he act naturally are just sucks. Instead of pretending to be different, I am actually be different. But I think the real question is whether one have a problem with the real him, not so much the girl. And I'd say: No, I have no problems with myself. A pretty girl by default is a celebrity in society's eyes so she'll get more attention. No one wants to follow a guy, he needs to earn that by becoming famous or popular. Back to this emotional turbulence, every single action seems to be some calculated move to try and have someone love me for who I am. But as I delve further, I become less and less myself until I explode into a huge rage of frustration. One the other note, cup of warm coffee has a nice thing going on.

Be happy about life again

I'm fit and have an average body but I'm still depressed all the time and feel like shit. Every time I see topics on depression all I hear is "go lift weights", "go for a walk in the sun" and a whole load of other useless comment. All I can think about all day is pouring petrol all over myself, handcuffing my arm to the steering wheel of my car, and setting myself on fire, and the best suggestions I can find are "ummm... going for a walk always cheers me up!".

As someone who had suffered from depression for years, I agree that it comes down to mind over matter. Forcing myself to think more positively has helped me make immense improvements in my life. And I really do mean "force", some days it feels like there's a war being fought inside my head.

One small thing I recommend to everyone is to be more thankful for everything in your life, even if it doesn't seem like much. Say it out loud--"I am thankful for [reason for being thankful]". Did you eat today? Say you're thankful that you got to eat when millions of people don't. Did something on the internet makes you laugh? Say you're thankful that something made you laugh. Finished a rough assignment or job or goal? Say you're thankful that it's over.

You know what makes me feel less depressed? My rope. I bought a 3m, 20mm diameter hemp rope; perfect for hanging myself. Every day when I feel like shit, I try to push myself one day more, try to last the week, see how much longer I can take it. Having the rope there means I know I have an exit ready and accessible if I need to use it; sort of like a safety net. So I'll keep pushing through life, trying to make it as far as I can, but I know I can get out any time; I have control over my own life, and there's comfort in that.

I know that sounds crazy and borderline OCD, but after a few days, it will change your perspective and you'll find it easier to think more positively. It will give you a stepping stone towards beating the depression entirely.

Meds fluroxetine known as prozac, causes increase in biogenic amines. Your body won't know the difference between happiness on prozacs and just feeling happy. As you become more happy you can change your life for the positive and eventually kick the meds.

Depersonalization Disorder

I have panic attacks but a very rational thought process. Most of the time I find myself just saying or doing things with the appearance that I have little regard for anything. Is it weird that I feel like a lot of people could possibly have this but probably just don't know the name for it? It's not a very well known thing. I've been trying to find a name for this and I think I have it as well.

Shall I congratulate myself as I have discovered reflective and reflexive thought? It's normal to a degree and only becomes pathological if you perceive it as making you suffer. Maybe I also have the other one which is Derealization. I'm kinda used to it now though. But it still sucks. I know I'm alright, but that does'nt take away the terrible feeling. It also doesn't help that there's technically no cure for it, just ways to make it less intense.