Knowing, but not Understanding

Last week's bombing incident in front of JW Marriott and Ritz-Carlton hotels (17 July) opens the old wound. I was born and bred in Jakarta, though I spent my early childhood abroad. I feel hurt inside because the fact of the city I love so much is still unsafe (my early memory of act of terrorism is the 1998's riots of May, I was a in 5th grade). In a matter of couple weeks I will go fly back to Indonesia, and I am not ready yet. I can imagine my family and relative's expectation of me when I get home, they must have think that I have changed so much that I have been "Americanized", but I am not. I got dehumanized instead.

Every night I make a conversation with myself, (been doing this for two weeks and a half now, to keep myself company and to practice my sanity). Last night we talked about the impact of incidents that has ever happened in the city to every aspect of society that lives in. I have to admit that as a person, I am pretty apathetic. I can't even fake myself to act like I am sad. (I don't remember since when I learned to shut off my emotions- probably because this kind of incident happens a lot that I don't care anymore.) If caring is one step to maturity, I want to start being care.