Saturday, April 18


I'm an Indonesian that has only lived in US as a "foreign" country, so I can't speak to the experience of entering a totally different culture (other than moving to HongKong back in 1992 but then I was 6 years old, can't remember much). For some people, adulthood came about at age 25. I suspect it's different for everyone. I do know people that got there much sooner, usually because of family issues. Adulthood is less about confidence and more about realizing that everyone is varying degrees of lost or self-deluded. Very, very few people have a realistic idea of where they're going in life and how they're actually doing. These self-doubts have to be acknowledged and pushed past as the last barrier to living the life you want to.   I guess this is the answer was what I expected but not what I wanted to hear. I will just have to force myself then something might click.

Was there ever a time in your life where you realised that you were an adult? Actually feeling like an adult. Capable and responsible for shit etc. I guess I don't feel confident in myself. I feel as though I'm not capable of or should not be trusted to move into adult life. I want to travel to Japan at the end of this year but I continue to have looming doubts about my ability to travel and not fuck up big time. The idea of going to a foreign country and getting around, booking shit, organizing whatever else I need seems like a far to daunting task for me to handle. Even though my Japanese should be at an acceptable level to communicate I still don't feel confident.   

I picked it up recently and want to continue because it looks good resume wise and I like the language. Honestly I would have as much doubt in myself if I was going to an English speaking country. I also have similar thoughts about me living by myself. I don't feel as though I could handle all of the extra shit that comes along with it.

If you knew me you would most likely not guess that I had self doubts like these. Honestly, I feel as though I'm more mature than most people my age and I act that way. Not like a dick, rather I think about what I'm doing before I do it; maintain a logical head etc. Today me and two colleagues (one Korean, one Chinese) were discussing the competitiveness of Asian countries, specifically Korea. They were saying, "You have to do shit yourself, you need to go out and get what you want. You can't just sit back because you will become a failure in that environment". My Korean friend, who has lived in Korea then said, "Out of all of the white people I know, you would be the only one that I think could survive in an Asian country. Most people freak out with culture shock but I know you wouldn't. You also just get shit done and don't give a fuck. You can handle a competitive society".   This resonated with me because I never realized that people viewed me as confident, capable and self sufficient. Do I just need to do something that will spark a realization? Will traveling by myself be the thing that initiates the epiphany, or will this only come in time?       

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