Keep the body busy while the brain sorts itself out

Feeling over the hill lately, I hope that I am not alone. 

I need to stop romanticizing myself. A great deal of people lose it in their 20s. It will happen to us all. The years just kind of sneak up on you. One day you are 19 then you are 25 then you are 30 then you're 35. I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be 40. What's it like living once in your 30s and still lonely? I'm feeling miserable enough as it is already in my mid 20s, please, I need someone to tell me it gets better as I get older. 

I always find myself comparing my age to those of people in novels, movies and animes, I'm always bummed out when they're younger than me cause they have such awesome lives and I have shit. I guess I'm just more jealous of the fact that they are usually very disciplined and hard working, they're putting all that youthful energy to good use while I'm sitting around depressed. I want to be able to look back on my younger days with pride. I just turned 26 this month. I feel like the window of opportunity closes once you're no longer a teen. We've passed into the land of desperation. We have only but to endure this. It hasnt happened before, why now? Why I think I am better with girls now then with 16? Do I think chicks are easier then when I were 16? Maybe the thing that gets easier is the acceptance of what you really are. Maybe it helps if I find other things to live for, but the biological imperative never stops shrieking in the back of my mind. 

 This is weird for me because I don't feel unsatisfied in my relationship. I may need to evaluate my relationship (whether it is everything I wanted). If so, it's not worth ruining over a very temporary high. Imagine roles reversed. I understand that women instinctively go after men who are taken. As long as the dude are taken, women will hit on him, sometimes. That's just the way it is. You always want what you can't have unfortunately. I still kind of feel the same about someone who I met and wasn't interested. But I realized there are just too many awesome people in the world to spend all your energy on one person. You are very likely idolizing this person and ignoring whatever negative qualities she had. 

I want her to like me for who I am and not who I have to pretend to be. Now if one keep having to pretend to be someone else, maybe the way he act naturally are just sucks. Instead of pretending to be different, I am actually be different. But I think the real question is whether one have a problem with the real him, not so much the girl. And I'd say: No, I have no problems with myself. A pretty girl by default is a celebrity in society's eyes so she'll get more attention. No one wants to follow a guy, he needs to earn that by becoming famous or popular. Back to this emotional turbulence, every single action seems to be some calculated move to try and have someone love me for who I am. But as I delve further, I become less and less myself until I explode into a huge rage of frustration. One the other note, cup of warm coffee has a nice thing going on.

Trying to do better than the day before

Music is definitely a driving force. Everyone definitely needs to find something like it. It's a good, simple life I live. Wake up, play music and watch TV until the show that night. I just wish that more people could respect me for what I do, instead of seeing it as me "doing the easy road".

Most people think it was easy to get where I am, but it was a long hard road. I spend hours writing, months a year studying. It is just a different kind of job, and no one respects it.That's the thing, the only thing I'm looking forward to is perfecting myself and not caring about my ex. I guess it branches out to getting more into parkour, getting stronger, becoming independent, no more anxiety, getting shit faced with a good friend from highschool days and maybe one day finding someone I could love, like, care about. As of late I just  can't put effort into other people, whenever I think about doing anything intimate it makes me feel sick to my stomach, I guess I just need to get better. Like I think being intimate with someone else would help my butt sadness in regards to my ex, but I think I'd vomit on the girl.

Yeah... I remember for the longest time, the idea of being with someone else made me feel physically sick. I promise it does get easier though, but I'm not going to lie, it almost killed me. But after 5 months I think I'm almost ready to move on. I mean that would mean being with a girl, which is a laugh in itself considering that I'd be the only consenting party, but whatever. It can get better with time. Being outgoing, for some people, is all about the first step. That may not be applicable to me, but usually the thought of something is a lot more daunting than the actual activity itself. Then again, sometimes it isn't.
 
Uncomfortable truth:

1. Realize most people only use friends until their career and marital relationship are in place. they then ditch their old friends and make friends with other married people.
2. Women in their 20's only have so long before their market value plummets, so most just go for what they can. I'd suggest setting up a bunch of rules of behavior that you will and will not accept from a female. If you're attractive, you will need to set this up or you'll end up settling for less than 1st place.

I think about how disappointing it is that I don't have time to work on any of my personal projects anymore. Fucking work. I think that would be awesome to have that sort of passion for something. Some drive and desire to get good at something. Another language, reading, art, music. Fuck I wish I was interesting.

When you wake up, the start of your day, what do you think about?
What are you looking forward to? What keeps you going?

Congratulation for the award Mr. President

I'm really sad right now. It's pretty hard to look around right now and not feel sad. Here we are, our president just won the Nobel Peace Prize and no one is happy. Why can't we all come together over this? I'm so proud of him.

I realize that he hasn't turned Earth into a conflict-free zone, but who has?

The main reason the international committee gave him the peace prize is because they want to encourage America to elect more president like Obama, compared to a goon like Bush. We have a president who is internationally recognized as the symbol of hope and renewal and all people in this country can do is question him and tear him down. It's heartbreaking.

It should be such a happy day to be an American, and yet it's so sad to look around and see all this ugliness.

Humanity is not all but lost

Steven Pinker: A brief history of violence

Humans are thrill seekers, they always crave for news about death, destruction and inhumane cruelty. These shocking images get stuck in our memory and we begin to generalize the whole human race as evil murderous bastards. Even though that is absolutely not true. This is not a good trait, because when you are pessimistic about human morality all the time, you'll become bitter, hateful and even become the very murderous bastards that you loath once. You practically duped yourself into becoming one of the "bad guys" without realizing that everyone around you is actually a lot kinder and rational.

Go out, meet more people, talk to them, you will know that most of them are not the closet murderer, rapist, madmen that you imagined them to be.

Humanity is not all but lost, we are making tremendous progress in coexistence, morality and the quality of a good, cruelty free life. Don't let a few bad apples and the media's portrayal of human nature dictate your lives and turn you into the very monsters that you hated.

(Remembering 9/ 11/ 2001)