Still hurts

written on 7th April 

Now it's like limbo. 

A weird moment in our relationship where we both know there are times that we didn't want to be with each other. Not sure if we're growing apart or just under stress. I think about breaking up, but can't really follow through because of doubt that it may not be the right decision. She said also feels the same. I love her but I can't tell about her anymore because I'm absolutely terrified that she doesn't feel the same way, we've been seeing each other for a few months but whenever I bring up a relationship she kind of gets distant and dodges my questions. 

We both just need to calm down to actually get to the bottom of the issues. Maybe both of us could try to take some time off of work to just be together, and if these feelings of detachment persist, then maybe it is time to think about separating. But maybe it is just the stress of our jobs that's getting to the both of us, and I just need to spend some quality time together the get that spark going again. Nothing good comes easy. 

I know all the right things I have to do to make myself a better person and a friend, but she said I just don't do them. I could be better at anything I do but all I do is procrastinate. The end is always the hardest part, I just need to remember that I've worked so hard to get to this point and I can't think of just flush all that down the drain. Just keep thinking about how satisfying it will be to accept my degree and power through it. I love her but she implies me that doesn't want a relationship. I'm afraid I'll have to burn that bridge tomorrow. It's fucking killing me. 

Part of moving on: 

Surround yourself with people that make you feel comfortable in your own skin. If you don't feel at ease when around your friends you'll never truly be able to be yourself. Realize that being yourself is what is going to make you happy, and that it's not worth pretending to be someone else. Don't try to rush into things. You may want everything to happen all at once, but that's not how these things work.Take things slow. Try going out to a cafe or a bar and meeting one or two people, and just try talking to them. Find some common interests and if they're there everything else should fall into place. You just have to put yourself out there and try, and if you get shot down just remember that it happens to everybody and in the end you'll be a stronger person for even trying. If you are worried about being rejected for letting your true colors shine remember that if the people around you don't like the real you then they aren't the people you should be surrounding yourself with. There are other people out there who will appreciate you for you and not what you pretend to be, and you just need to keep that in mind and burn the mask. You can even take little steps if you are more comfortable that way and just take the mask off in small doses, and before you know it it'll be completely off and you'll be so much more happy living life as yourself and not someone you're pretending to be. You'll never truly be able to connect to your friends if you don't trust them enough to be yourself.