Blooming

I don't enjoy anything that I used to do and can't think of anything new to do. The video games I have I've pretty much out dated and nothing else I've seen appealed to me enough for me to buy. The consoles I had have died but there's no new games that warrant me going current-gen. I'm convinced that nothing and nobody could teach me to play guitar, and the rockstar dream is no longer feasible. I like movies but refuse to see them alone. No reason to try and get a girlfriend since I'm very much exhausted from last relationship I had.

Short semester for my grad school is two weeks from now, and I'll value my free time then. But until then I just sit here, day after day, waiting, with no valuable way to while the time away. Nobody in this place gives a flying shit about my existence anymore. It's hard enough to motivate myself to get out of bed to do shit I have to, like eat go to work, especially since it's so hard for me to actually fall asleep. Case in point, here I am blogging, mere hours before I need to go to work, sharing blue stories for people I don't know.

I've never been particularly talented at anything, as I've even been told by other people growing up (parents included), except for my apparently-miraculous grasp of the English language. I never thought it was anything impressive, though I suppose people my age still believe there's an A in the word "definitely". Kind of digressing...

There isn't a drop of artistic in me right now. I would try to get better at drawing, or some other skill that I dont need a large capital investment to begin developing. As long as I have some sort of material to guide my studying, maybe I will see improvements with practice. Maybe I will be impressed with myself if I practice for maybe 5 hours a day and see how far I come in a couple of months. I'm too pragmatic (and pessimistic, funny how often they're synonymous) to waste time trying to draw something that I know my brother would draw better, and probably have a better design.

Well, I've come a long way. I'm far more confident in my appearance now, and am at the point where I just don't give a fuck about how what I say comes across. But besides casual flirting with a girl at the counter or a waitress, who probably deal with the shit all the time or don't even see it as flirting, I don't know how to initiate a conversation with a girl. I'd just stand there, occasionally glancing to make sure she was still there, while trying to think of the perfect thing to say, when such a thing does not exist. I'm socially retarded, so I wouldn't even know the first place to go, and know I wouldn't compose myself well if I did go out with the intent of finding a girl to talk to. Nothing in my daily life puts me in a position for a casual encounter, so it would inherently feel forced and I'd screw it up. Anyway I'm not overly concerned with the girl thing, I'm sure shit will change somehow. Other than at my office, I have no daily human interaction of any kind until then.

I'm working in bonds market where I'd be forced to talk to people by phone all day - I'd ask them about their lives and etcetera. What are you doing for after work? Do you go to any regular coffee shops or places to eat? A good way to develop composure is just ask the person behind the counter how work is in the morning, what their day is like, did they get up to anything on the weekend and the like. Though this as well still not inherently helping me to become more comfortable in a casual situation so the next time I meet new people.

As far as learning guitar goes, I looked up youtube videos, that Rocksmith or whatever it's called game from steam, or just do what beginners usually did - pick a song and try the best to learn it note for note.

I guess this has to be happening again.. Reading some books while I wait for the next phase of my life to begin.