Every week I look back at what I did and am appalled at some of the shit I did or said. Sometimes at the end of the day I ask myself how I could have been so stupid to do or say some things. And I'm right. I don't feel like a retard when I'm doing it, but when I reflect on it later, or I read what I wrote a week, a day, a few hours ago, I want to disappear.
I don't feel like I have no inhibitions, or even that I'm overly critical of myself. It's like I forget myself and become a pretentious asshole, or total buffoon, or worthless lump, for just a few moments, and that's all the time it takes to fuck up and reveal my stupid inner self to other people.
I'm very critical of everyone who doesn't seem 'genuine'. But I hate the things I do and say because I don't feel I have a unique personality. I'm not going to obliterate half of my brain with marijuana and living the rest of my life working at a Circle K. I have figured the self is something that must be forged (a new personality). Something people would love. Something that would make people happy. I'm jealous of people who can be themselves because I don't have much of a self. I must try to look forward. Beyond the pain of regretting the unwise choices I've made. I must make a new life. One I will be proud of.
Does anyone else feel like their life is an endless satire of itself? It's like we're a big cosmic joke..
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